The Redneck Princess

When do we get to the funny part?

When do we get to the funny part?

I mean there has to be one right?

I have to hold onto that thought pretty tight today and just focus on the gong show funny part of this whole thing. I am sure it is just from my perspective that it is hard to see…

Let me fill ya in on the happenings around the Castle for the last 24 hours or so.

Yesterday when I got home in the afternoon there was a wet spot at the bottom of my stairs, Dylan was downstairs and had the door shut, so I just assumed that the dog had to pee, got ignored and peed at the door.

While I was cleaning it up, I noticed that it didn’t smell like pee…Colton said maybe it wasn’t the dog, maybe it was from the rain and the house was flooding again.

Of course I am in 100% denial that this could even remotely be the case.

1/2 an hour later we check the floor again. Soaking wet.

Ok now what? I can’t even believe that it would be that. Last year during the worst rainfall in ages here, my house stayed bone dry, while everyone around me was floating away.

It didn’t make any sense. There hasn’t been any rain here for over a month, the ground is in no way near as wet as it is in the winter. I walk around my yard looking for a clue, a reason why. I find nothing. Everything looks like it is working, it just doesn’t make any sense to me at all.

I didn’t panic. I know, crazy for me right? But I know at this stage of the game there is nothing that panic can fix in this house. I have tried that road before. It is no thru.

So I call my perimeter drain guy Richard and I wait, knowing there is nothing that can be done til morning regardless. The water is under control and I have nothing more to do at this point.

About an hour after I sat down, I heard a noise in the corner. I don’t even know how to explain this. It was like a bang or a click or something, I am not even sure, but it made me look up.

A light bulb went on in my head.

About 3 months ago Bill and I cleaned the gutters, at the same time I got him to knock the moss off the roof, there wasn’t tons, but I knew I needed to get it off.

Right after we did the gutters, I noticed what looked like a stream left from water going down my wall. I know it wasn’t there before, and I started to think what the hell would do that? At the time I thought that maybe I had just sprayed the corner of the wall too hard with the hose when I was cleaning. I didn’t really think about it again too much after that. Mostly because it hasn’t rained alot since then.

But last night, I started rethinking it. And ya…the roof was wet, the roof on the doorway downstairs by where the water was coming in, was wet.

The water was coming in from the top, not the bottom.

Can you give me a holy fuck? Can you?

The irony of the whole situation is hilarious in so many ways. You have no idea. I am laughing right?

So I call my Dad of course. He tells me that I have to go up into the attic and see if I can see what is going on. My Dad often has more faith in my skills as a human than I do. Really. I say to him “ok, Dad…I am on it.” I am really.

I round up my team which consists of Colton, he is not sure why he needs to supervise me while I go up into the attic. But dude, you know me right???

I told him to never mind that and just hold the damn ladder. I mean if I fall through the roof into my living room he should at least witness it and get a bit of a laugh out of it.

I stick my head through the hole in the hallway and up into the attic,  I will admit right now, I have never even looked up there before, it has always been a boy job. Well tonight there was no boy, just me.

The insulation up there is sprayed in, a good thing I suppose, unless you have to crawl through it. I decide that crawling through it was not an option for me, and apparently to someone before me as well, for around the hole in the roof that you climb up, there are doors. Old bedroom doors, and a closet door. Sweet.

I know enough that I have to stay on the beams, go me…and the doors are perfect to crawl across to see what I need to see, the insulation is too high for me to see over so I have to go right over to the side where the leak is. I get as close as I can and lo and behold, there is a drip, drip, drip. I can visibly see the little bastard dripping into the wall of my house.

Now…I yell at Colton that maybe I need a bucket. The more I look at where it is, where I am and how much good it is actually going to do, I call him back and tell him not to bother.

I have to just hope that the rain slacks off for a while until someone can come and cover the roof, or something. I don’t know. I was not really thinking all that clearly at that point.

So down I come out of the lovely pink fluffy nightmare that is my attic…there really was nothing more I could do.

Unbelievably I slept well last night. Go figure.

So onto this morning.

My youngest son has decided that he wants to drink coffee in the mornings now, fine. I am ok with that. He wanted to make the coffee last night and take it this morning. I have a timer on the coffee pot so he got it all set up and was good to go.

I got up about a half an hour after he left this morning, my mind was running at 100 miles an hour, I figured what the hell…I get up, go to make my own coffee…and the machine is still ON….with no coffee in it. Nice.

I mean it has occured to me that a fire would fix everything here, but I didn’t really mean with me IN IT…

So my next adventure was to call Richard (the perimeter drain guy), and take back the panicked call that I gave him last night. After talking it out, I ask him if he knows a good roofer. He tells me he will make a call or two and get back to me.

Blessed, yes. I have more than one time thanked the Universe for Richard. He has saved my life before…

So while I wait for him to get back to me, my mind starts wondering…

Since I have the ladder up here, and I have already crawled around in the attic, I should probably make sure that the vent that goes from my bathroom fan is actually going outside. I have had some issues with the bathroom not drying out, and I wonder if this is the reason why. Well let me say now, it’s not, that’s for another day Colton’s hour long showers the story leading up to it is funny and you might learn something here, so listen up.

I go back up into the attic, this time totally unattended. Not good right? Probably not, but I did it anyways. I also went up in my pajama’s. DUMBASS. I figured there was no point in putting perfectly clean clothes on when I was just going to get dirty. I maybe should have put something more substantial that a wife beater tank top on, just saying. And just so you know, fiberglass just sticks to flannel.

So the first time I go up, I cannot for the life of me find the fan, or the hose. I am frustrated. I come back out of the hole. I take the cover off of the fan in the bathroom, wondering if I can see up through the fan itself. I can’t. While I am there I clean it off, it’s nasty, like embarrassingly nasty.

I then go back up, because I know that the fan has to be visable from the attic, it has to have the motor and everything somewhere right? So I realign where the fan should be in the attic, and realize I was probably one beam over from where I should be. I was right, I find the fan and the vent. The vent appears to be going out the side of the eaves where it should be. Good.  I back up and climb out.

I go to put the cover back on the fan, and realize that I have broken one side of the little plastic clip that holds it up. FUCK. Ok, I try to fix it with a twist tie. NO.

I decide to crazy glue it, knowing full well it is just gonna snap off again. I do it anyway.

So I figure while the glue is drying, I should have a shower. Good idea right? I am totally itching from the insulation being all over me and am pretty ready to have it off…

I turn on the fan…

Nothing. not. a. fucking. sound.

YOU ARE KIDDING ME RIGHT?

So now, I cry a little bit. Just a little, for a second. It’s not like me, but I just didn’t have the energy to even cry. So I stopped.

Now, in my tomboy head, I am restepping where I was and what I touched. I realize I have to go back up in the attic.

I do, I go back over to the fan, everything is good, connected. But where the hell is that wire going? Under the beams through the insulation I follow the cable. To this:

This was underneath the closet door I was sitting and crawling on. Perfect. Fucking beautiful.

Now I am not afraid to fix most things, but I am not about to electrocute myself, in my attic, by myself, on my day off. I check the obvious things, the wires are all attached, the caps are snug and on right.

WHY. WON’T. THE. FAN. WORK.

I check the breakers. I stand and think.

I turn it on with the switch in the bathroom, and can hear something. Not loud, not running, but something.

I wonder…

If I put the cover on…

I try it, I use wire and jimmy it together so the wire that goes into the fan to hold it up is attached to the plastic cover, I get it in place, I turn it on…

IT WORKS!!!

So just in case you didn’t know this, it seems that Broan has a safety feature on the fans from the 60’s or 70’s or whenever it was installed…if you don’t have the cover on it, it won’t go. Who knew?

Thank Christ…I don’t really have the resources to hire a roofer AND an electrician. Who I am kidding the resources for the roofer are unfounded as of this moment…

So that is where the story is to now, I had a shower and just stopped touching stuff. I am sitting waiting for the roofer to call, to come and save me, even if it’s just a little…

I will update you when there is more…

Now I am going to go and make Theodore a baby blanket, I am pretty sure there won’t be any danger in that…

 

24 thoughts on “When do we get to the funny part?

  1. Dave Farmer

    When we get a leak like that in our house we complain about it for a while, then get bored and just call it a "feature" and live with it until things get bad, THEN we call in a guy to sort it all out. We avoid the stern disaproving looks! So good on yer for being so pro-active!

  2. Struggling Dad

    Normally I look for the funny angle, but today I'll be serious and try to help a little (yay me!). Here are a few points to think about for your roofing problem:
    – From the outside, applying Roofing Cement (or Patch) will block up small holes for long enough that you can replace the shingles that have failed. Watching the water stop is a big relief
    – Falling through into the living room…No, you don't want to do that. One of my colleagues from when I first arrived here in 2001 did that a few years ago (it was actually his garage and he landed on his car). I was one of his pall-bearers, and his photo is on my fridge. So be careful; we want more posts from you!
    – Be careful touching the insulation, it looks like it's the glass type. You don't want the very tiny shards in you. They're really uncomfortable. I know. Uggh. Also, just to mention it, I think they're mildy carcinogenic too. Wear gloves, heavy jeans and a sweater when you're up there, and wash it all later.

    1. Redneck Princess

      Ok…first. Thankfully the roofing guy is here tomorrow. Thank god.

      Second, falling through the roof would suck, totally. Avoided at all costs.

      Thirdly…SHIT, I was up in the insulation tonight fully dressed, and it went through everything. I have showered and still feel it, shower number two coming up. I wish I had read that first. Seriously.

      1. Sean Dunn

        Hey,

        Weird. I don't get notified when you reply to my comments. Wonder why…

        Sorry about the roofing problem and the insulation. Eventually you will be glass-free…then you can PICK UP a glass filled with some strong liquid and down it all at once (repeat until happy). :)

  3. Bliss

    I just drank a John Henry but I think I will be drinking another one for you.  All I can say is that you are more of a woman than I am.  I hope your leak gets fixed and soon!  Water is a scary, scary adversary.  We had a few flooding/water issues in our last home that I never want to revisit.  (raising my glass) Here's to a better tomorrow!

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