The Redneck Princess

Breaking up is hard to do…

Breaking up is hard to do…

This morning as I was puttering around the house, there was something I wasn’t really watching on tv, I don’t even know what it was, but they were talking about Demi filing for divorce from Ashton. We knew it was coming. Inevitably.

It got me thinking about breaking up.

I am good at it. I can rock it. So why does it never get any easier?

Why is it that people do things that are right out in left field after a breakup?

Everyone reacts in their own way, whether they are the breaker or the unsuspecting one.

But the truth of the matter is, in most cases, everyone involved knows that something is up. Whether you pull the toque down over your eyes and pretend to not see it coming or not.

Don’t lie.

Think back.

You can see it all clearly now can’t you?

See the thing with Ashton is this, he wasn’t happy in the situation, or he wouldn’t have been a dog. Period.

I am not saying it is ok. It is what it is. He is performing self sabotage. Just ask me. I rock that too.

But sometimes that seems like the only way out.

When I was really young, I was in a relationship that was fun, and full of passion, but totally unhealthy. We broke up and got back together continually. Pretty much every time one of us self sabotaged. We were both better at that than at actually trying to make the relationship work.

Funny enough, we got back together a few years ago, and tried again. Needless to say, it didn’t work out, for totally different reasons, but I found myself being pulled back into the pattern of wrecking it so I could get out of it.

And then I stood back, and I thought about it…and figured why not just own the fact that it wasn’t working out? Why fuck around and hurt peoples feelings by doing stupid stuff that you are going to regret in the end?

So I told him the truth. I just wasn’t that into him.

It wasn’t his fault at all. It also wasn’t mine.

I am nearly 47 years old. I am way past the point in my life that I am going to stay somewhere that I know I am not happy and that there is no future.

I think most people will stay in an unhappy situation long after it is healthy, mostly because the breaking up part totally sucks. Which is really sad, and such a waste of time, when life is so short.

I have had some amazing relationships with some amazing men, but the time for the partnership to end has always been fairly obvious. Whether either of us admitted it or not.

I truly believe we are given people in our lives when we need them, to teach us lessons and help us grow. I can’t imagine still being with any of the men I have been with today. I don’t mean that in a bad way at all, but I am not anywhere near the same person I was when I married my husband at 25 years old. The people we are now, are compatible only as we are now…as parents of three great kids.

Sometimes the lessons are long, sometimes they are short.

The thing that really makes me go huh? is how some people act at the end of it all. People can be so vicious and mean. A lot of the time I truly believe that could be avoided if people didn’t let it get to that point, because that is what happens when you stay where you aren’t happy or healthy, you get bitter, and things get mean. It is really hard to remember why you loved that person at all.

That is really a sad thing.

It would all be so much easier to be nice. I know that is not the way it goes, there are always going to be hurt feelings and people don’t always admit the truth to themselves even if it is in plain view.

But wouldn’t it be better for everyone if we could take the relationship for what it was? A blessing. Love that you need to have in life, no matter how long it lasts for. When one person walks away, there is always a reason. Sometimes that reason can’t be explained, sometimes it can, but no matter what…the truth of the matter is this, if one person is going to walk away, or sabotage or whatever ends up happening. There is absolutely no way, that the relationship was meant to be anything more than what you got out of it.

Your soulmate did not just get away.

In fact define soulmate…

I have had many soulmates in my life, friends and lovers. But they were soulmates for the time that we benefited each other and the lives we had together.

The people that are together for life, and grow and change and manage to stick it out  through it all, are few and far between in this life, and even then, I am pretty sure that they may love each other to bits, but they aren’t always in love with each other.

I won’t lie…I am envious of those people.

But I don’t regret even a little bit, that I am not one of them. I have been blessed to have the men in my life that I have. I have learned from every single one of them and wouldn’t give back a second of it.

I know it breaks my Dad’s heart that I can’t settle down and be stable, but it is just not who I have been in this life. I have really and truly been happy for more time than I have not.

It doesn’t mean that I have given up hope that one day my soulmate and I will find each other, and stay together for the rest of time. I do hope for that.

But for right now, I am just going to be thankful for all the love I have had. I really in my soul know I have done what is right for me and whoever I was involved with at the time, whether they see it that way or not, regardless of if they think I have done it to hurt them, or just made a decision without thinking. None of that could be farther from the truth.

So people, be gentle with one another, be honest, be strong. If you know you are not supposed to be there, go. Don’t stay and let it get to the point where you haven’t got respect left for each other.

Grieve the loss of a love that’s gone, but don’t beat the hell out of yourself or your partner because it has.

Love is meant to fill your life, even when you don’t have it anymore.

It gives up hope and makes us smile.

Sometimes even when it’s gone.

 

18 thoughts on “Breaking up is hard to do…

  1. Beth

    Nearly 47???!!!??? Girl, you look fantastic!! Ok, I know….you wrote this beautiful, moving, truthful, candid post and I pull out the fact that you don’t look a day past 30. Sorry, but I am floored.

    There are many years of lovin’ left for you princess…many, many years. You have so much to give and sound as if you have a grasp on what you want.

    Keep rockin’ it!

  2. The Hook

    “But for right now, I am just going to be thankful for all the love I have had.”
    What a healthy, cool way of looking at things! You rock, Princess!
    At least when celebrities act weird after a break-up we get to revel in the glorious mess!

  3. lizziecracked

    Sigh….I just wrote a comment, a rather lengthy meaningful one and it seems well I have misplaced it. Well it is some weird time in the morning but my gosh girl I spent a minute or 15 on it lol. In effect this post is at the perfect time for me.. I love the message and have taken a few minutes to really ponder what you said…I think that is how I lost my previous comment actually…It just makes sense. Thanks
    Peace :-)

  4. Susan

    Great post, I love how you explained your opinion and I also completely agree with you. I also do not understand the nasty reactions people have during and after the end of a relationship. The negative energy is such a waste.
    I still love the quote “to have loved and lost is better than to have never loved”.
    Thank you!

  5. Separated Sad

    Hi D,

    This is a very practical and heart-felt summary of the basis behind a break-up. Ultimately, it might even apply to the break-up of my own marriage earlier this year.

    I like the way you define soulmates and how you’ve found happiness in different ways with different men and been able to enjoy those relationships, even the ones that haven’t lasted for all time. I think that’s a very positive attribute of yours.

    It was a very interesting post to wake up to. Although, shouldn’t you still be asleep out there on the Left Coast?!

    1. The Redneck Princess Post author

      I was pretty much asleep all day, the housewarming party headed to the bar…:) we had fun. I schedule my posts for the middle of the night :) Thanks for the feedback S. I always like to hear your opinion!