As you all know, I have spent my life surrounded by men. Now I don’t mean this in the sexy, getting laid all the time way, unfortunately…I mean this in the I always have to clean up after your dumb messy asses way…not that I am bitter or anything.
But you know, sometimes even the most hardened woman gets to a snapping point, where she just wants to beat you with your own disaster, whatever that may be at the time.
So here are some general life tips to all of the men of the world, whether you be someone’s husband, son, boyfriend, brother, friend, roommate or best friend.
- Don’t pee everywhere, your penis is in your hand 80% of your life, learn how to steer it.
- Don’t trim your beard, mustache or pubic hair, and leave it on the counter, you might find it in your dinner.
- Pick up your nasty dirty socks and underwear and put them in the basket, we will burn them before we touch them.
- Clean up your dishes if you make something to eat, the word slave got wiped off our foreheads long ago, you might find said dirty dishes in your bed.
- Not that you would notice…make your bed and maybe change the sheets once a week or so, otherwise it is just nasty.
- Cut your finger and toenails, just don’t leave them all over the bathroom floor, these too could make their way into something you eat.
- Learn how to put the bathmat up after your shower, it’s easy, bend down, pick it up and put it over the edge of the tub…
- If you drive our trucks, don’t fucking change everything around. We will kill you. Moving the seat is fine, putting our lip gloss or favorite cd somewhere that we can’t reach it, will end your life.
- Close the fucking door. Were you all born in a barn somewhere? We don’t care what you are doing out there, or how long you are going to be, we just want to be warm while you are doing it.
- Don’t pick your nose or your ass EVER…if there is any chance at all we are going to see you. Please.
- Be nice to your mother, chances are she helped me write this list, which means if you aren’t nice, you are screwed.
- Be a gentleman, it’s not that hard, and we really do appreciate it.
- Don’t have a beard or mustache if you have no idea how to keep food out of it. Nothing grosses us out more.
- Except not brushing your teeth.
- Don’t eat food in bed. Ever. See number 5, it’s already bad enough.
- Keep the farting games for when you are with the boys, most of us don’t really think it’s funny, well unless we do it. And if you want game on, I guarantee that you will regret that choice in the end.
- If you take your dog for a walk and he rolls in something, don’t let him come into our house and rub it off on our carpet, couch, walls, bed. You will both be sleeping outside in his house, probably forever.
- Don’t let your dog sleep in your bed…see number 5 again. Really.
- Change socks and underwear every single day, no excuses. It’s not brain surgery right?
- Print this list out and put it on your mirror, you should read it every. single. day. until it is clear.
Disclaimer…This is just helpful information from a girls perspective.You don’t have to listen to it.Unless you want to be single.Forever.
- ‘The HusbandWife’ (surviveonvenus.wordpress.com)
- Filthy Hallmark Moments (seattleweekly.com)
- Men Are Dirty (collegecandy.com)