Survival tips for men…

Survival tips for men…

As you all know, I have spent my life surrounded by men. Now I don’t mean this in the sexy, getting laid all the time way, unfortunately…I mean this in the I always have to clean up after your dumb messy asses way…not that I am bitter or anything.

But you know, sometimes even the most hardened woman gets to a snapping point, where she just wants to beat you with your own disaster, whatever that may be at the time.

So here are some general life tips to all of the men of the world, whether you be someone’s husband, son, boyfriend, brother, friend, roommate or best friend.

  1. Don’t pee everywhere, your penis is in your hand 80% of your life, learn how to steer it.
  2. Don’t trim your beard, mustache or pubic hair, and leave it on the counter, you might find it in your dinner.
  3. Pick up your nasty dirty socks and underwear and put them in the basket, we will burn them before we touch them.
  4. Clean up your dishes if you make something to eat, the word slave got wiped off our foreheads long ago, you might find said dirty dishes in your bed.
  5. Not that you would notice…make your bed and maybe change the sheets once a week or so, otherwise it is just nasty.
  6. Cut your finger and toenails, just don’t leave them all over the bathroom floor, these too could make their way into something you eat.
  7. Learn how to put the bathmat up after your shower, it’s easy, bend down, pick it up and put it over the edge of the tub…
  8. If you drive our trucks, don’t fucking change everything around. We will kill you. Moving the seat is fine, putting our lip gloss or favorite cd somewhere that we can’t reach it, will end your life.
  9. Close the fucking door. Were you all born in a barn somewhere? We don’t care what you are doing out there, or how long you are going to be, we just want to be warm while you are doing it.
  10. Don’t pick your nose or your ass EVER…if there is any chance at all we are going to see you. Please.
  11. Be nice to your mother, chances are she helped me write this list, which means if you aren’t nice, you are screwed.
  12. Be a gentleman, it’s not that hard, and we really do appreciate it.
  13. Don’t have a beard or mustache if you have no idea how to keep food out of it. Nothing grosses us out more.
  14. Except not brushing your teeth.
  15. Don’t eat food in bed. Ever. See number 5, it’s already bad enough.
  16. Keep the farting games for when you are with the boys, most of us don’t really think it’s funny, well unless we do it. And if you want game on, I guarantee that you will regret that choice in the end.
  17. If you take your dog for a walk and he rolls in something, don’t let him come into our house and rub it off on our carpet, couch, walls, bed. You will both be sleeping outside in his house, probably forever.
  18. Don’t let your dog sleep in your bed…see number 5 again. Really.
  19. Change socks and underwear every single day, no excuses. It’s not brain surgery right?
  20. Print this list out and put it on your mirror, you should read it every. single. day. until it is clear.
Disclaimer…
This is just helpful information from a girls perspective.
You don’t have to listen to it.
Unless you want to be single.
Forever.

35 thoughts on “Survival tips for men…

  1. Kevin

    I’m deeply offended by this list. Anybody who says that mine is in my hands more than 77% of each day is a liar!

    Wonderful post, great website. If I were ever lucky enough to be invited to a meal at your place, remind me to be very respectful and watch what I do till at least after the meal is done!

  2. Separated Dad

    LOL — good post RNP!

    Re: #1… 80%? My God, what do these guys you are referring do when they are at work? No, don’t tell me :)

    I enjoyed looking down them and scoring myself. After all, I’m just starting to go down the path of dating now and wanted to be sure I didn’t have any serious issues. Phew!! Just one or two things to work on. :)

  3. Jessie

    I am loving this list – it is so true.

    I have one to add though –

    Don’t moan at me for being late when we are going out where you are the reason i’e be unable to get in the bathroom all day!!! I mean seriously what do they do in there?

  4. Gary S.

    What can I say- your blog blows me away…As a man- please don’t shhot!- I found it very enlightening to read the Princess Diaries about how uncool we can be without even trying- or is that the point.
    You have a unique vibe, take on the world and original flair for expressing your genuine self. Just a thought, but how about a list of male behaviors that you find romantic or endearing. I think your perspective would again be refreshing, entertaining, educational and attractively edgy.

  5. Jan B

    I’m waking up reading this entry and this really cracked me up. Spit my tea all over my monitor, almost. You know us guys. And the picture you paint is true, in some ways. Love this post, D. ;)

  6. Nicole

    All so true….

    But alas, I have given up on #7–got to the point where I damn near blew a vein in my forehead yelling about it. And, years later, it remains on the floor. I just sigh, roll my eyes, call him a jackass under my breath and pick it up myself.

    Same thing for the unofficial #21–completely change the empty roll of toilet paper. This does not mean pull out a new roll and sit it on top of the empty one. Though that in itself is progress…..

    Boy am I a wuss….

  7. Cam

    I found this post to be a little condescending, Donna. I live alone, and I don’t like toenails on my bathroom floor, which I alone clean, and I like fresh sheets, (flannel now it’s winter), and it’s my house, so yes, the dishes are done and all doors are closed. I love my Mom, but she has been here only a half dozen times in six years. I eat well, and my kitchen is functional and clean. Most guys I know are a “clean shirt, ginch and socks a day” guys. Sure my house gets messy, and the rabbit sheds all over the place, but I have seen some girls places that were disasters too.

    1. The Redneck Princess Post author

      It was meant to be sarcastic Cam…just the mood I am in, I totally appreciate the fact that there are clean men out there, I have two teenaged boys, sometimes a girl needs to vent, don’t take it personally my friend.

  8. davefarmer

    I’m a bit worried about #2. I’ve not met anyone who would trim anything like that and leave it on the counter. You know, you should do a video blog on Youtube for this kind of thing. I’m sure you’d have a ton of followers!

    I reckon another should be added to this list, that of the sizeable log left unflushed in the toilet. No one should leave the bathroom without checking all submarines have departed the docks. And if one flush won’t do it you keep flushing till it’s gone! And clean up your leftovers, if you know what I mean!

    And before you ask, no, that’s not about me but about our teenage girl! She’s a ninja pooer!

  9. Barb

    Love it Donna – you got men taped for sure! Just wish they’d do half of the things they should – it’d make life a lot sweeter for us!

  10. Janis

    How about this one – The entire couch is not reserved for you and you alone, and just because you “worked hard” all week you don’t need to spend the whole weekend on it! :)

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