The Redneck Princess

The Best of Craigslist…

The Best of Craigslist…

A couple of friends of mine read my post Missed Connections and pointed out that I was actually missing out on even funnier stuff on the Best of Craigslist…here are some of my favorites:

Penis Measuring

A friend of mine and I have been having a long-standing argument about whose penis is larger. We’ve tried having our girlfriends confirm to the other the exact size, but neither one of us buy it. I don’t want to see his penis and he doesn’t want to see mine. I don’t want my girlfriend looking at his penis and he doesn’t was his looking at mine.

So… We just need a girl to look at both of our penises (individually) and then to both of our faces say which one is bigger. We can’t pay much. $50.

I could so have done this job…would laughing at you both while I was doing it hurt your feelings very much?

I stomped on your fire, you choked on a biscuit

You: passed out on the grass after choking on a biscuit and slamming your car into a guardrail at Franklin and Harding
Me: driver of silver bug with 2 women in the car who stopped and put your car fire out.

It’s been a bad month, so if you would get me a new fire extinguisher, I would appreciate it. Also don’t eat while driving in the future, it’s dangerous, as you discovered.

Bahahahahah…I don’t really have to say anything, do I?

Tune your goddamn piano

For christ’s sake people, just let me tune your god damn piano, do the both of us a favor. I’m the best in the whole god damn city, I swear to christ. You can ask any one of my clients at any given time, email me and ask me for a list. I’ll make that fucker SING. Hell, you pay me a little extra and I’ll make YOU sing too. Na i’m kidding, that’s a little joke there. Nothing sexual, just piano tuning. Email me and I’ll come the fuck over, tune your fucking piano, take your money, then be on my merry old motherfuckin way.
You want the shitfuckin thing tuned? Fine. Call me. I’ll tune it. Done. Just like that.

All of Manhattan or Brooklyn. Don’t fucking call me if you’re in Queens or Hoboken.

$80 for grand and upright pianos
$100 for spinet upright pianos (because they are way goddamn harder)

Well that’s one way to get business, I would hire the guy in a fucking heartbeat…if I had a piano, or lived in Manhattan or Brooklyn.

Fun while it lasted

Good news is that I truly out did myself this year with my Christmas decorations. The bad news is that I had to take him down after 2 days. I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever. Great stories. But two things made me take it down. First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by. Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn’t realize it was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy). By the way, she was one of many people who attempted to do that. My yard couldn’t take it either. I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my yard. Kind of feel like I gave in to the man by taking him down but my neighbor did confirm to near miss accidents on the busy street next to my house. I think I made him too real this time. So it was fun while it lasted! “

Funny, in every single way…you have to love the fact that people wanted to help!!

1500 Live Ladybugs bought by accident

So, after consuming pot brownies and getting a little too drunk on thanksgiving a friend and i decided to buy 1500 live ladybugs from amazon, which was a great idea until they came in the mail. Now they’re sitting on my windowsill and I have nothing to really do with them. If i set them free they’ll die in this weather, if I leave them on my windowsill they’ll die.

So, if you have a greenhouse or some kind of animals to feed them to it’d be awesome. I don’t want to ruin 1500 lives.

Email me and tell me what your’e gonna do with them, and if you can come pick them up. And they’re yours.

I hope they found a good home, but really dude…I have ladybugs in my house all year round, maybe not 1500 of them, but if you can’t find them a home, they will be fine where they are, they say it’s good luck, really!

Happy Saturday Folks :)

14 thoughts on “The Best of Craigslist…

  1. Jan

    Hahahaha.. Guess I need to put my own stupidities on Craigslist to? I wouldn’t know what to charge tho – if anything… Have a great weekend!

    // Jan

  2. MOM

    Dear daughter, I don’t know where you find all this stuff, but you are so funny, made my day. loved the dummy hanging from house, that was too much. And people actually stopped to help???? my faith in humanity is restored, thanks for the laugh, Love you Mom

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