The Redneck Princess

Did you seriously just call me a Douche bag?

Did you seriously just call me a Douche bag?

I know right?

Now let me just clarify before I go on, absolutely NOTHING in the letter I will post is in any way true. Actually if you read this first, you will have a clearer picture. It is the start of the story. You really should read it first…

When was the last time you heard someone use that word. Well other than my friend Hook. Not very often around these parts.

But alas, the shit show that is sometimes my life has brought it about. Directed at ME. And no, I didn’t deserve it or bring it about in any way. Crazy I know, but hey, it’s true.

On Friday I had a great day, coffee with my favorite girls, lots of laughs and then I had plans to go out Friday night (which was also hilarious and fun) and at three I had an appointment for a facial. My brother and sis-in-law are amazing and gave me a facial for my birthday.

I have never had a professional facial before, it was fantastic. If you have never had one, you should… So I get home from that, totally relaxed and stoked about going out with the girls.

I get in the house and on the table is my mail. With a envelope with my name on it, and no return address. My first thought was that it was from my ex Chris, sometimes he will write me a letter just to touch base with me. Granted he usually puts his return address on it, but that didn’t really occur to me at that moment.

Imagine my surprise when I opened the letter and found this instead…

At first I was like, what the fuck? Did someone get me confused with someone else, because I have no idea what the HELL you are talking about.

And did you just seriously call me a Douche bag?? Seriously???

I still have no idea what to make of this letter, so I take it downstairs and read it out loud to my kids. They both at the same time say…

“The woodguy”… or actually his wife.

When you break it all down, she is the only one it could be.

I haven’t been seeing anyone that has a wife…I know this for sure.

I absolutely never gave ANY boy a present.

And even WITH the wood guy and his wife, I never flirted or told him how much I needed a man around. Anyone that knows where I am in my life right now, knows this is bullshit.

And let me add one more thing.

I have a certain type of guy, physically that I am attracted to. The wood guy is NOT him.

In. Any. Way.

So after mulling this around in my head for about 15 minutes, and calling my Mom and best friend and asking their advice…

I call the police.

Oh yes I did.

I know when crazy goes over the line to fucking nuts, and I am sooo not playing.

I take the letter into the police station and tell her the whole story, we decide that really the only thing that can be done without proof of who wrote the letter, is a phone call.

Because yes, I have both of their names, and their home phone number. Thank god I didn’t delete it like I was going to, something told me to just leave it in my phone, mostly because if for some reason he called my cell I would know it was him and not answer.

Of course she denied it all, she tried to say she didn’t even know me. Nice one. The cop reminded her that actually she did indeed know me as they had sold me wood. She also told her the letter I had received was inappropriate and it was actually against the law to threaten people, and that they were going to continue to investigate and see if they could get some fingerprints off of the letter itself, and find out where the letter originated from, if she had nothing to add to the conversation she would just let her continue on with her evening.

The officer also said that the only word she actually said was no. Repeatedly.

Maybe because her husband was there? That would make for interesting conversation wouldn’t it?

“Honey who was that?”

“Oh no one…just some phone solicitor.”

NOT THE COPS CALLING BECAUSE I THREATENED THE GIRL YOU WERE FLIRTING WITH THAT IS TOTALLY FREAKED OUT BY THE WHOLE FUCKING SITUATION….AND HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANY OF IT.

The Officer seems to think that should do the trick, that she is now aware that I have gone the police and it is now on record.

I can only hope for that.

And I vow after the last few weeks and the power of suggestion…I am not using the word crazy out loud anymore. At all.

Seriously, how much Douche bag can one person take in a week?

Happy Tuesday…

24 thoughts on “Did you seriously just call me a Douche bag?

  1. Cris

    Whew! Between “It would be funny . . .” and “Douche bag,” who needs excitement in one’s life?

    I think it’s interesting the insight your children had — to come right up with the woodman’s wife. And that you even read the letter to them shows you are properly preparing them for some of the situations that life sometimes plants at our doors, in your case, literally.

  2. Nicole

    Just plowing through the massive amounts of unread blog emails and….

    Wow. Seriously? Somebody has very little confidence in her womanly wiles.

    That said, *tapping a crowbar in my hand*, should you need some backup….holla.

  3. SpilledInkGuy

    I’ve taken to using the abbreviation ‘DB’ since I find the need to throw it out there so much.
    Although I’m pretty sure I’ve yet to include it in any anonymous correspondence.
    Unbelievable.

  4. tori nelson

    This post made me get all hostile, waiving my finger in front of my face, rubbernecking, and saying things like “Oh Hell To The Nawww”. I think you handled it as well as any person could. My theory on douche bags is that they are usually the ones calling people douche bags :)

  5. Brenda

    OMG Donna! What a douche! I mean HER! haha and for the record, I use DOUCHE a lot! I hope that scares the bitch off. Her and her hubs need a good counseling or two! Geeze! Good luck!

  6. Maureen

    I’m so glad you involved the police. You’re dealing with people who have some type of mental problem and who, I hope, get help. I live in the downtown area and it’s home to all types of people. High income, low income and everyone in between. It’s heartbreaking to see so many who need help but, for a variety of reasons, aren’t getting it.

    Sending you good thoughts so that this is the last you have to deal with wood guy and his wife.

    Maureen

    P.S. Love that I can pick which one of my posts shows up so I picked one with a video of news bloopers if you want to have a laugh.

  7. Janis

    Actually the proper term nowadays is “douche canoe” (see The Bloggess.com)

    Seriously though…you’ve got one powerful “crazy magnet” Donna, good move bringing the cops in.

  8. Rafa acmewolf

    Donna, Really? OK. F***! I think this marriage are not sane, either. He may be desperate because he hates his wife’s crazy. She(son of a b****)actually is NOT sane, sure. Write a threatening letter (anonymous)is a sign of NOT being well mentally and also when this suspicion is not real as is the case. At first I laughed but now not much. Good choice to go to the police.

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