The Redneck Princess

Back from the nearly dead ~ Epilogue

Back from the nearly dead ~ Epilogue

Well I am happy to say, that today, finally…I am pretty sure I am going to make it.

There were some sketchy moments and some serious doubt, but as I was talking to my Mom yesterday and nearly making her pee her granny panties because she was laughing at me so hard, I figured I would probably pull through.

The story started out innocently enough and I am pretty sure while I was living it I didn’t think it was all that funny, but apparently it is. So in payback for her laughing her ass off at me, I am going to write it down, she will read it again and call me cursing because she HATES it when I make her laugh that hard.

Payback is a bitch Mom…

So it all started with the kidney infection story…funny enough in itself I am sure, but then see…the second night, I didn’t sleep at all…I watched a movie until about 2:00 am. I thought it was probably due to sleeping for two whole days, kind of a no brainer, right?

So while I was watching the movie, I felt like something got in my eye… weird yes, but the bedroom window was open, so possible…you know like a giant moth or something. I got up and went to see what was going on. I got what looked like a piece of grass or a stick out of my eye, and noticed that it seemed to be irritated more than it should have been…I didn’t really worry about it much.

I went back to bed and in about an hour I was up again, my eye was crazy itchy and felt like it was infected.

I looked in the mirror and CRAP…

It was looking a lot like Pink eye….

WHAT THE HELL.

Are you kidding me here?

I knew we had Polysporin…somewhere. I couldn’t find it. So being optimistic, I flushed my eye with water and went back to bed.

As I was laying there at three am…nearly asleep again, I heard a snorting noise.

You know when you hear a noise that is totally out of place in the moment you are in, and nothing around you warrants it…ya, it was just like that.

I listened for a minute more. The only thing I could come up with was maybe Bailey was scarfing dog food in the middle of the night.

I got up to put a stop to the scarfing, only to find her and Odie snoring and sound asleep. So what the hell????

The windows were wide open and all I could figure was that it was shit going down outside. So just like Christmas…

Away to the window I flew in a flash, tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

At first I saw nothing, and THEN…

A bear.

A big ass bear taking his time wandering down the road on the center-line of the busiest highway on the Island, like he had not a care in the world. Of course it was the middle of the night, and there was very little traffic. The river is full of mostly dead Pink Salmon washing up on shore, so he is in heaven…

Now it’s been a long time since I have seen said bear, years even…so he is a fair bit larger than the last sighting.

With one eye now sort of glued shut, I was going to make sure Bruce saw that damn thing and make sure that I wasn’t hallucinating as well.

So I yelled BEAR!!!! At three am.

To my boyfriend, who  I am pretty sure is sound asleep. By the time he stumbled out of bed and comprehended what I was screaming at him, the bear was of course past the fence and just barely (hahahah) out of view.

Ok…so he missed it.

Sorry honey.

I figured while he was up, I could maybe find out where the Polysporin was, like there would be some miracle and he would know.

He didn’t.

So back to bed we go, again. On the way I get a compress for my eye to see if I can somehow get my eyelids apart. Fuck.

I then, of course after I am back in bed, have an epiphany to where the Polysoporin is. I again bolt out of bed and go looking. Lo and behold I find it…it was like a baby miracle. You know the feeling right? When you thought the chances were pretty much nil that you would have any luck at all in given situation…

So by now, it’s like about 5.

AM.

In the morning like…

No sleep. Kidney Infection. Bear sighting. Boyfriend awakening. Pinkeye.

My Mom is nearly peeing now.

I always wondered where I got my sadistic sense of humor, I actually thought it was from my Dad. I was wrong. Totally.

I finally sleep.

For two hours.

I wake up at 7 am. I am old, I have to pee.  And guess what? I now have my period too….

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??

Because seriously like I didn’t have enough pain going on all over my body right??  And I have one glued shut eye so getting around is sketchy and really what the HELL have I done here to deserve this bodily retaliation?

My Mom is now on the floor laughing her ass off…

Oh well, it’s all good. I am sure she meant well. Or NOT.

I am now winning, and not like Charlie Sheen. I am feeling better.

I learned that Cucumber slices on your Pink Eye is not only refreshing, but very very healing. It’s nearly gone. Who knew? Note to self people, way cheaper than the $25 drops the rip off pharmacy is going to give you.

And I made my Mom laugh. That is always a bonus.

Here’s to healthier days…and happy Tuesdays.

 

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