The Redneck Princess

How to survive living with a terrorist…

How to survive living with a terrorist…

terrorist

That’s right.

We live with a terrorist.

Did you know that they come in all shapes and sizes, and that you never know when they are going to attack?

Of course you did.

So did I. I just forgot.

The cute gets in the way.

Unless it is 3 in the morning and the terrorist is trying to rip your earring out of your ear while you are sleeping.

Or attacking your ass underneath the blankets, also when you are sound asleep.

I am rethinking my letting the thing sleep with us. Seriously.

Not all nights are like that, but the other night was. Not cool.

I have come to realize that you need to keep them up until about 11 every single night. If they try to fall asleep, you poke them continually until they move…and then you follow them around making sure they don’t hide in the towel closet and catch even 15 more minutes sleep.

You also need to get used to the fact that you will have random scratches all over your body for probably the first six months of accepting them into your home and life.

No one said terrorism was pretty.

The newest thing is the toilet attack.

I know right?

You are sitting on the toilet, doing your business, and all of a sudden there are horse like running noises coming right at you. There is absolutely nothing you can do and no where for you to go. You are trapped. All you can do is flail around with your hands and feet, trying to keep the terror on the floor and not jumping on the back of the toilet in her usual flailing and never surefooted way. Knowing full well that if she gets past you and in the upwards jump, the chances of your ass being ripped to shreds is huge.

You also have to be 500 times more stubborn than the terrorist, they are determined to get the job done. They don’t give up easily and they never walk away unless something else catches their attention.

Something like a twist tie, or a piece of kleenex…that is between your newly painted toenails holding your toes apart for the perfect finish.

Am I giving away too many of my secrets?

Terrorism does that.

Nothing is ever safe again.

Even when the terrorist is under cover like this…

terrorist sleeping

It’s a lie. A ruse…a way to get you off guard. So later, like when you are peeing or sleeping you won’t expect the now unavoidable deluge of scratching and biting that will inevitably ensue when you least expect it.

In the end, it’s all good. I am getting smarter, and more aware of my surroundings every single day. I am ready for anything at anytime and my reflexes have improved in ways I never imagined they would.

And in about 5 years I can look forward to a reversal in the terrorism…to snuggling and sleeping. Like real sleeping, not the attacking kind.

At least that is what they tell you.

I think it depends on the terrorist.

And I might need to rethink the sleeping arrangements.

Our dog Bailey seems lonely at night.

And she hasn’t got any earrings…it could totally work out. No matter how she looks at me and begs me to take it away.

I will just bribe her with more dinner.

And let you know how that goes…

Happy Friday all!

2 thoughts on “How to survive living with a terrorist…

  1. mjnightingale

    Awwww…she looks just like my Bella….who….along with sister trap me on the toilet too! For undivided pets! Oh and shes a chap-stick thief!

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