The Redneck Princess

This is what happens when I think I am smarter than the Universe…

This is what happens when I think I am smarter than the Universe…

It started quite innocently, I didn’t actually even realize I was trying to be smarter. I thought maybe,  just maybe I had found away around it. I thought I could get away with it and it would just take a little more effort.

I was wrong.

There is no way around it.

It is what it is.

There is not going to be good gluten free anything.

My Mom was right. Again.

I had hope, and maybe over time I will find one or two little things that will still make me happy, or maybe I will just say screw it and eat pie once and a while.

And Yorkshire pudding.

Because last night I tried to make Yorkshires with gluten free flour. I was optimistic, I followed the recipe exactly, made sure my oven was good and hot, as was the pan and the oil.

Yorkshire disaster

The results…

Let’s just say that the picture above is as good as it got. It went straight downhill from there.

They tasted like shit. With grit in them. They didn’t rise and I seriously couldn’t even finish the ONE that I took. That has never happened in the history of the world. I can eat three. If I am on a total binge, four. You see why I am on a no bread diet, right?

I don’t know what the dealio is with the gluten free flour that Robin Hood makes, or if it is the Xanthan gum…but there is some nasty stuff going on. The banana bread I made the other day was good, well sort of…

Hot, and out of the oven, yes. Even for the next day. But day three…chew sawdust. With some banana in it. Seriously.

I am at the point today, right this minute, when I am just saying forget the bread-like anything.

Which was sort of the point in the beginning anyway.

But you know how it is when you quit something, you try and replace it, however you can.

In this case you just can’t. Not without it tasting like mulch.

I paid $5 for a bread mix that doubles as a pizza mix. Probably should have been my first clue, because it would have actually made a half decent pizza crust, since it is hard and crunchy…and it’s supposed to be. The bread I made with it was too. The toast I tried to eat was in fact a lot like cornbread. Without the delicious part and add some dirt. I may as well have thrown that $5 out the window of my really dirty truck.

So at this point, I am back to the basics…which means real food. Nothing bread-like at all. As of this moment no pie in sight.

I need to figure out a good lunch, since sandwiches are out. I never really even liked sandwiches…but what the hell is the alternative? I usually have cheese, fruit and meat of whatever kind is left over, boring yes…but it fits the program.

If you have any suggesstions…please feel free to share.

So far the only thing that has given me a glimmer of hope is the rice pasta that I have tried, it was better than regular pasta. I will just have to take comfort in that.

Even though I actually want to just embrace me some french bread right now.

My name is Donna…and I am an addict, still…two weeks later. I haven’t given in, but do NOT wave a piece of garlic bread in front of me right now, or you are going down, and I will indeed have your bread. In my mouth.

Seriously.

On a more fun note, since I need to just keep changing the subject…I have an updated picture of the Wall of Italy. It now has a gate…yep you heard me, it has a gate.

The gate is in front of the huge two car garage, and you now can’t actually enter said garage with a vehicle, at least as far as I can tell from here. The fence is about 8 feet tall, so I am not going to try and pretend I can see over it’s illegally high expanse…

What is interesting is the bottom of the fence…check it out.

The Italian wall

See the bottom part? Apparently there was a level. Outside…beside it. Possibly even sitting on that piece of wood, that is NOT on any level, level.

I have pixelated the address, to cover my ass. Hopefully Karma doesn’t kick me for posting this…it is just really damn funny.

So the Universe does indeed have a sense of humor. I have to look at this, every. single. time. I drive out of my driveway.

Well until it blows down in the winter. The chances rise every time they add on to it.

At least the dogs have stopped barking, most likely because I called the doggie police on them, it’s not because of the wall. They were barking yesterday and I actually heard him yell at them and make them stop. That’s a first. And a baby step.

At least now I don’t have to worry about eye contact with them. They can’t see us, and we can’t see them. Works for me.

I never claimed to be a good neighbor. And they probably eat too much soft, warm, covered in butter Italian bread.

So it is better if we just stay strangers.

That, and I am pretty sure that they don’t like me already. So it’s certainly too late for that anyway.

All that and it’s only Monday night…

Bugger…it’s gonna be a long week.

Have a good Tuesday, we are nearly one day from halfway to the weekend :) xoxo

 

4 thoughts on “This is what happens when I think I am smarter than the Universe…

  1. nan @ lbddiaries

    Our only sub for real bread has been this flax meal bread that is interesting after you get used to it. It can be cut into the shape of sandwich bread and can be toasted, sweetened up with fruit or flavored with herbs, etc. It works pretty darned good with organic peanut butter (like a sort of replacement for a cracker). My friend does chickpea flour to do that (haven’t tried). That’s all I’ve come up with to replace bread. Oh yeah, hot out of the oven, you can put maple syrup on it and THAT is yummy! Like a pancake.

    1. Donna

      I am still going to keep looking, but I have just realized there is no sub and I will once and a blue moon have a real yorkshire pudding or a piece of bloody pie. :)

  2. HoaiPhai

    Yorkshire pudding? Gross… isn’t that made from those shaggy little yapping dogs?

    Look, if you want me and my friend Fat Tommy could come around for a coffee and maybe coincidentally a bit of blustery weather will befall that fence while we’re around. We’re kind of jinxed like that. Lemme know (but keep it to yourself, OK?).