It is that time of the year. September looms close, and our babies move on and out. We sit and wonder…how did this happen? How are they not five anymore? How come a kiss and a smile isn’t all we need to fix an owie? How did we all get this old?
I take some comfort in knowing I am not alone…Bruce and many of my friends are going through the same thing.
My friend Janis’ daughter is in Sweden for crying out loud. For a year.
My other friend Deb has just come home from taking her daughter to the other side of Canada…
Bruce’s daughter is going to Victoria. Tomorrow.
My once wee son…now grown, is moving to the Sunshine Coast to go to school. I have the comfort of knowing that he is close to my folks. That if he needs anything they are a twenty minute drive away. It still doesn’t take away that feeling in your stomach. It still doesn’t make me less sad or terrified.
It won’t stop me from crying when we are driving away.
Why don’t they tell you stuff like this before you have kids? You know, the stuff like…no matter how much they fight, or eat, or drive you nuts, you are going to hate more than anything, the day they leave.
No matter how proud you are or how thankful you feel that you didn’t mess them up too badly while they were growing up…you still can’t quite let them go, it’s still too soon for them to take on the world without you standing beside them, watching over to make sure it’s all okay.
And what now?
How do we start all over from scratch when we are this old and set in our ways?
How do we worry less and live large?
How do we move on to the next phase gracefully without blubbering our tears all over everyone we see that innocently asks us how we are?
I wish I had all the answers, hell…I wish I had even one.
But I don’t. All I have is love, and faith and pride in knowing I have done all I can do with what I had to give. I have loved and guided to the best of my ability…though sometimes I know it wasn’t always what I would do if I had a do over.
For those times…all I ask for is understanding, that I am human and I have made mistakes…but I have loved you both more than anything in my life.
And I am really not sure what I am going to do without you.
I will be fine in a little while…once I get my head around no more messy bedrooms or stinky backpacks. Or hugs when no one else is there right at the moment I need one.
It will just take a bit.
And hopefully no one asks how I am doing…or the tears will fall.
At least for a little while, until I am sure you are okay without me.