I know I tend to be a pretty open book. I think you, all pretty much know that I am not one to hold back.
I don’t actually even know why I am writing this, except to try and figure out in my own head how I learn to deal with this situation.
I want to make it clear right now, at the beginning…there are no feelings left. I have no remorse, no sadness, no guilt…no anything really.
I think the loss of the friendship that ensued in more ways than one is what upsets me.
When we split up, it was for the best. I have never regretted it for one second. He is not my kids dad, but he raised them for most of their lives. I just thought we could be friends eventually. For the kids sake and because I know that we genuinely loved each other, and that we were friends first.
That was not meant to be, and it was a choice 100% made by him. I guess he wanted the ties broken totally. They are. There is no way to rebuild a bridge that has been burnt as badly as this one has.
You see when we split, he started dating my best friend of 25 years’ twin sister.
Now that in itself was a shot enough, but it was ok, I would have gotten over it eventually…but everyone I know and loved, knew. No one told me. Not even my best friend, and as you have probably guessed, we are no longer friends.
My dad was the one that finally had the guts to tell me, I have no idea why no one thought I should know, I broke up with him, I was the one that wanted out. I did it with honor and dignity, for both of us. My friends all took his side, I dealt with that, there was nothing I could do.
That is a different story. One I have moved on from.
I am still friends with my best friends sister, there are four sisters all together. She and I have had our ups and downs over the years, but in the end when it really mattered, she stuck by me. Supported me. Understood what I was going through and where I was coming from. She never judged me, or the situation. She was just my friend.
I am thankful for her.
Somedays it makes it hard to walk away from the past though. My ex and her sister have just got married and had a baby. I am happy for him. I really am. I wish he had made some different choices, but that is not for me to decide in any way. It is his life, and my reasons have no bearing on what he does.
I am disappointed in some of the choices he has made regarding my youngest son. He has not even told him that they were having a baby, I did. He hasn’t told him anything about the baby…
I know my son’s feelings are really hurt, even though he says that he is fine. It doesn’t affect him.
I call bullshit.
It infuriates me that all the men in his life are assholes. With the exception of my Dad and my brother. What is up with that? I don’t even know what to do about it. I guess there is nothing I can do. We have a great relationship and he knows I love him to death, as do my Dad and brother. This is part of the reason I wanted to move away from here, to put him in a situation that was reliable, with men around him that love him, that he can talk to. My oldest son and him get along great, and for that I am thankful as well.
So I just need to figure out in my head, how do I make this work. How do I not be judgmental. I love Ruthie to the max, and I know that being her friend will involve conversation about the family. It is unavoidable, I also know that in said situation she needs a friend for backup that understands it all. Which would be me.
It’s just one of those situations, damned if you do, damned if you don’t.
I know I can rise above everything that has happened enough to be a good friend to Ruth, and I guess in many ways it has given me total closure, though like I said, that was never really an issue for me. I was done, it was over.
I just really think that it is easier for everyone when you aren’t still tangled up in the small town bullshit that twines everyone together, when it is one of those situations when you can just totally walk away and never look back.
Soon enough I will move away, and it won’t be a part of my life anymore, I will hear the occasional story from my Dad…my ex still keeps in contact with him…I know. Bizarre…it’s a long story. I have no problem with that part of it.
I am telling you though, I look forward to that day. When I can walk away from a past that is done, onto a future that I deserve. I will be patient. I will be tolerant. I will be a good friend. I will learn from it all, I really will, but there are some days when I need a little strength, for whatever reason. I am not always the rock I pretend to be, and somedays my heart just can’t take it.
So I will just cry a tear, even if I don’t know why I am crying…
and follow my path…I know I am going in the right direction. Somedays I just need to let it out and be a little bit vulnerable… that and for someone to give me a really big hug.
Thanks for listening to me vent, and work it all out. I appreciate each and every one of you… xoxo