The Redneck Princess

Dear Menopause…we need to talk.

Dear Menopause…we need to talk.

**Disclaimer ~ If you are a man, or a really young woman, or someone that doesn’t want to hear me say fuck more than once, you might just want to skip this post. I don’t wanna scare the hell out of anyone, you have been warned…

I. have. every. one. of. these. symptoms.

FUCK.

I found this list at 34 Menopause symptoms.com and ya, they have a website…

1. Hot Flashes, Flushes and/or Cold Flashes

Ok…see  number 2. for this one I thankfully don’t have these yet, well not very often, maybe once or twice, dammit.

2. Night Sweats

Oh. MY. God….I hate them…

3. Irregular Periods, Menstrual Irregularities

On time? So you know when to expect it? Yes my whole freaking life, until about three months ago, now hardly ever, well unless Bill is coming to visit then sure as hell I get it…sure as HELL….

4. Loss of Libido

Well I only get to have sex once a month with the above shit going on with a boyfriend living 300 miles away, so whatever, how the hell would I even know?

5. Vaginal Dryness

I can’t believe people even TALK about this…no comment…

6. Mood Swings, Sudden Tears

The fact they even said tears made me cry, no shit…

7. Fatigue

Never been so tired in my life…not even kidding here, by 7pm I am literally done in.

8. Hair Loss or Thinning, Head, Pubic, or Whole Body

Well no…I don’t think, I mean…oh nevermind…

9. Increase in Facial Hair (I gave this it’s own number, just because I felt it needed to be talked about…ha!!!)

Well there is a hair or two that keeps coming back that I could certainly live without…

10.  Menopause Sleep Disorders (With or Without Night
Sweats)

I am exhausted but throw myself around all night, that counts right?

11. Difficulty Concentrating, Disorientation, Mental Confusion

What the hell am I doing here?? Where is here? And who the HELL are all of you?????

12. Disturbing Memory Lapses

YES…bizarre shit that there is no chance I should forget. I always remember eventually but what the hell?

13. Dizziness, Light Headedness, Episodes of Loss of Balance

YES…

14. Weight Gain during Menopause

Assholes…

15. Incontinence, especially upon Sneezing, Laughing, Urge Incontinence

Luckily I haven’t come across this one yet, ok I lied I don’t have them all, but I can make my Mom pee when I make her laugh too hard :) that has to count for something!!!

16. Sudden Bouts of Bloat

I seriously had this on Wednesday…who knew it was menopause, I thought I had the flu or something…even though I am not even really sure what it is, I had it…I DID!!!!!!!!!!

17. Increase in Allergies

I have far more allergic reactions to peoples bullshit than I ever had before…so yes.

18. Changes in Fingernails-Softer, Crack or Break Easier

Yes they do…that is why I have none. I mean I have them, they are just really short…

19. Changes in Body Odor

Probably so, I thought it was just summer, but I could be wrong, so I went an bought new deodorant just in case.

20. Bouts of Rapid Heart Beat

Show me a picture of Keith Urban, happens every. single. time.

21. Depression

There are days, but I try and muddle through it…

22. Anxiety, Feeling Ill at Ease

Yep, which is weird for me, cause I am usually not like that at all.

23. Irritability

Assholes.

So yes.

24. Panic Disorder, Feelings of Dread, Apprehension, Doom

After I read this list you are fucking right I do…

25. Breast Pain

Ya, like when I was nursing. Who knew and why doesn’t anyone tell you this shit?

26. Headaches during Menopause

Ya, and I get enough of them already, but they are weird ones. Like just barely there but never really gone. Sucky.

27. Aching, Sore Joints, Muscles and Tendons

Every single bone in my body. Alot of the time…

28. Burning Tongue, Burning Roof of Mouth, Bad Taste in
Mouth, Change in Breath Odor

Absolutely, brushing my teeth 3 times a day is not enough to get rid of the bizarre taste in my mouth, what the HELL is that all about?

29. Electric Shock Sensation Under the Skin And In The Head

YESSSSSSSSSSSSS…that explains some shit…

30. Digestive Problems, Gastrointestinal Distress,
Indigestion, Flatulence, Gas Pain, Nausea

Hahahahahahahahahah, not even gonna need to comment here, am I?

31. Gum Problems, Increased Bleeding

Yes…teeth hurt, no bleeding though…that would suck.

32. Increased Tension in Muscles

Ya, but I probably just need a killer total body massage…just saying.

33. Itchy, Crawly Skin

When I am sleeping badly like everynight, I will wake up feeling like this…gah.

34. Tingling Extremities

My toes…my toes…

35. Osteoporosis (After Several Years)

Well there is something optimistic to look forward to now isn’t there…

So after reading said list, I am not sure if I feel worse or better. I mean how many years of this shit are we supposed to endure without there being some kind of a body trail?

I am 46, nearly 47…do the math. If it is supposed to keep up til we are 51…

THAT IS FIVE MORE YEARS…

Sometimes, I wish I was a boy.

Not very often, lets get that straight right now. But right this minute after reading this shitty list…yes I do.

Boys suck.

They never have to do any of the hard stuff.

Putting up with us should be freaking easy. Seriously, if you are gonna think about bitching about our menopause boys, you should probably think twice, I am sure there are statistics out there that I can dig up…

Have a wonderful fucking day all…

 

9 thoughts on “Dear Menopause…we need to talk.

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  2. Melanie

    I wrote my own letter to menopause last night, but yours is funnier.
    A body trail is right, and this stupid stuff has been going on for years. The bloated stomach I had for a couple of weeks recently, no matter what I ate or drank (or didn’t). Thanks for reminding me the bloat is on the list– saved me a trip to the gastro doctor!
    F-ing menopause. Maybe we can form a gang and mug her?!

  3. mo

    omg. fUNNY in a &^*(^^( up sorta way. The hot flashes were the worst over this past summer (new at all of this and I can tell you…. fans help, everywhere.you.go.) Ask my kids, I stole their fans.

    Black Cohash helped enormously, but then, everyone’s different. Good luck with that!

    I didn’t have sexual decrease, more of an increase. Thank. God.for.my.boyfriend. (in fact, he is losing sleep daily…no complaints so far!)

    Oh yeah, and why the &^(&) did the bloody Mary have to make her return 8 MONTHS LATER?????? stuffed pig, I swear….

    These rest is yet to be seen, tune in next summer or when the temps begin to hit 60 and above. Then it’s time for the a/c.

    sincerely,
    Perimenopausal MO

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