Sympathy level…zero

Sympathy level…zero

I really want to be sympathetic.

To everyone.

I do.

But I am just not pulling it off the way I usually can. Maybe it is due to the fact that I am in a place in my life right this minute where I need to be more selfish. More all about me. I know, that sounds totally bitchy and beyond comprehension, but it is true. When you have spent your life being the giver, you sometimes get to a point where you feel like the life has literally been sucked right out of you…

That you absolutely could not bend over backwards for anyone even one. more. time.

No matter who it is. Or what they need.

I am so there.

Don’t email me with hate mail, telling me I am the bitchiest friend ever, or unfriend me on facebook. It is really not even about you, or anyone specific at all.

It just is.

I guess maybe it is the guilt I am feeling about being that bad friend that is making me write this. I do feel guilty, that I can’t help you, or explain myself better or tell you what you need to hear.

There has to be a clause written in somewhere, that it is ok to be that unacceptable friend once and a while, if there isn’t, there should be.

We should all be able to say it out loud. Make it known.

I am not good for anyone else right now, I am not the shoulder you can use to cry on. I will NOT tell you what you want to hear. Ok, well that is a normal thing with me I suppose. If you ask my advice I will usually be pretty honest in giving it. Whether it is what you want to hear or not.

I have been feeling like I need to find myself, but now that I think about it. I really don’t. I need to CREATE myself. Create the life I want, that will ultimately make me happy in a way that I seem to have not been up until now. That is totally my own fault. I know this now. I am not pouting about anything. I have a totally abundant life, I also know I have been the one that has created that life, so why on earth wouldn’t I be capable of making myself into who I want to be?

I can.

I am.

I will.

But it is making me solitary. Which I am good with. I am not saying I will never date again, or that I won’t date soon. But I am not saying that I will. I am also not going to be that nasty unhelpful friend forever, I promise…it is temporary.

As of now, I refuse to settle  for anything less than amazing, spectacular and mind blowing. In all areas of my life. I am halfway through this life we live. Well… hopefully I have that long left, but even if I don’t… from today on, I am living it full on, full out and happy.

I am living it by my rules, my code of honor, and with integrity. But mostly, I am going to LIVE it…

And on a side note…

To my soul-mate sister friend of nearly 25 years…thank you for being there for me, when I can’t be there for anyone else. I hope I am as good a friend back to you, when you need me girlfriend. Thank you for listening to my woes, my crazy stories, my hilarity and my laughter as we travel down this crazy highway on a fairly similar path. I love you to bits, and have since the day I met you, I have no idea what I would do, or how I would get by in this life without your love and friendship and total 100% non-judgementalness…(I am pretty sure I just made that word up)…I just really love you, and I am thankful there is an “us” every single day.

I know that I have a long road to travel to being who I know I can be, but every single day…I feel grateful, and happy, so so happy that I have made the choice, and I have acknowledged the fact that I need to live for me. Not for anyone else… that the friends I have in my life, I want and need there, and hopefully they feel the same way back.

I am thankful that I live in a country that lets me be the crazy, loud, obnoxious, tattooed girl that I am, and makes it a reality for me to be independant and self sufficient and free…

So on this Thanksgiving weekend, I am really, really thankful. More so than I have ever been in my nearly 47 years of crazy life…I am thankful to have found this amazing blogging world, that really has changed my life in so many ways, and for each and every one of you, that read what I have to write, for the friends that you have become…and the friends that I had before that still keep up with me…

Happy Thanksgiving everyone, even if yours isn’t here yet :)

Love to you all…

 

21 thoughts on “Sympathy level…zero

  1. HoaiPhai

    Sorry to hear that you're having a tough time (I think I must have missed something somewhere along the way) but you have to take care of your own needs first for a change. If people are going to resent you doing that, then they're not really friends, are they?

  2. Megan Faith

    I love you.  Seriously, we are so on the same freakin' page more times than not. You've just been much better about bloggin about it than i have been.  ;)  You stole the words right outta the horses mouth.  Just sayin.

  3. Lian

    Everyone needs some time of their own every now and then. Absolutely nothing to feel guilty about! I hope you'll get through this, and that you have some friends on your side at all times to help you and tell you what YOU need to hear for a change!

  4. JB

    K. some unasked for remarks and stuff.  

    You make your life like you want your life to be. You can form it and shape it and as a general rule you get back from life what you put in it. 

    There's no rule on 'how good a friend' you should be to anyone, especially towards friends you didn't really choose. When you're 16 you have like 200 friends, as time goes you loose some, gain some and in the end you'll have friends that last you a lifetime. Lesser friends but 'higher' quality. 

    A good friend understands when you need room, breathing space, temporary loneliness. I could not live with someone – for instance – that wouldn't give me that space. It would drive me crazy.

    Everybody is 'just somebody', each with their own limitations, crazyness, humor and other very human behavior. I think you're making this a bigger thing than it really is. You are who you are. Take it or leave it. Simple.

    Ps. Next time don't go blogging ever again when it's full moon. :)

    // Jan

  5. Brown Road Chronicle

    First of all, good for you for putting yourself first, there is nothing wrong with that and most people will understand.

    And secondly, this statement: "I have been feeling like I need to find myself, but now that I think
    about it. I really don’t. I need to CREATE myself. Create the life I
    want, that will ultimately make me happy in a way that I seem to have
    not been up until now."  Yeah that's fabulous… and that's me too!

  6. Brenda

    Donna, ya have to take care of #1 first. That is YOU! If you're friends are truly FRIENDS, they will understand. I was in a similar place a while back and felt guilty but as  a lot of ppl told me, you can't always be there and your friends should understand! Take some time for yourself. We'll be here for you when you need us! ~hugs~

  7. Steppingtobliss

    I totally get where you are coming from. I don't think it means you are any different from the person/friend you have always been but I think we all have emotional limits…it is not that we don't care but feel if we care any more we might crack. Stress hits from all sides and levels–good and bad–we can only handle so much before our minds are screaming enough…need a break already. My motto: never apologize for what you can't give but when you can give, give your best. xx Bliss

  8. Lou Kellar

    Man, does that ever sound like me most of the summer. I just felt like everyone had taken little bits of me, I was exhausted, and had to shut myself down and away from everyone. I mean bloggers, kids, the old man, friends, everyone. I had little to say, nothing to give, and wouldn't go out of my way at all. I couldn't. 
    I know a lot of this exhaustion had to do, and still does, with my confusion. It wears me out worrying about what I should do, where I'm going, and how am I supposed to get there when I figure it out. I want to run away from home, run away from my life, run away from the 'me' that has been someone's mother, wife, sister, friend, and reinvent myself as a completely separate entity. I'm more than aware that I have few years left in which to really kick my heels up and enjoy myself, and am wasting them living someone else's life, and it steals my joy. But guilt in feeling unappreciative, responsibility at living up to obligations, and love holds me captive. Still I have no choice but to dream, to desire, to cling to hope. Does this sound all too familiar? I'm not going to even wait for a response. Let me just reply now…"I thought so."
    I know about not having anything left to give. And you are more than entitled to have and take as much time as you need to find, fix, or just 'adore' yourself to heal.  You are also entitled to sometimes be the one that someone else has to listen to while you bitch, wallow in self-pity, dream aloud, or just need a friend. And I'm not talking about the blogging world–I mean, I love everyone on this forum too, but it's not the life you 'live'–I'm talking about those you surround yourself with. You need someone to talk to drop me an email. I promise you can bitch as much as you want. I love ya, I completely relate, and am pulling for ya, Babe!

    1. Redneck Princess

      Thanks Lou, I know from reading YOUR blog that we are pretty much in the same place, I am just in a position to walk away more easily than you are. I have, and I know I have hurt people in the process of all of this growth, but there was really nothing else I could do. I have to think about me and what kind of life I want to live right now, not anyone else…I think about you every day and send you cyber hugs all the time. We are tough chickies and we will get through this litte growth spurt happy and healthy, and with each other. Thanks for your support and understanding my friend xoxoxox

      1. Lou Kellar

        Right back atcha, Babe! You've been there for me more than once. Just keep reminding yourself that with growth comes 'growing pains'. Part of that pain occasionally spills onto others whose lives we touch. It's an unavoidable reality. Cyber hugs from me too! Love ya….

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