The Redneck Princess

An Epiphany and other life changing stuff…

An Epiphany and other life changing stuff…

I know I have had a few life adjustment blog posts in the last few months, we all write about what we are going through in life I suppose. I find it helps to work through whatever it is I am living through at the time, your feedback and comments as well as different perspective on things really help with all of that, for that…I thank you all. You can’t possibly understand the difference it has made in my life.

I am not really sure how to start this post, I don’t want it to look like a sermon, or a ploy for any kind of sympathy, it is meant to be neither.

It’s funny after all these years and all of the time I have spent trying to figure out why I do the things I do, that it occurs to me in about 2 seconds when I totally don’t expect it.

We all have our battles in life, mine is probably not much different from yours, it could be far worse, or not nearly as bad, but none the less it is a battle to me, one I have fought my whole life since I was 15 years old.

I have faced it alone.

Always.

I am ok with that, it has been my choice up to now to keep my fight inside of myself.

Mostly because what was happening was me making myself feel bad for something I had no control over. The guilt and the shame I have carried for over 30 years has taken a toll on me, I am no longer willing to carry it around.

I don’t feel the need to share what happened to me, it won’t heal me faster for you to know. Your understanding of my story isn’t what this is about.

What this is about, is this…if you have been holding something inside you, something you are sure no one else will ever understand, you are wrong. Talk to someone you trust, and love, or just say it out loud to yourself to start. Verbalize what happened to you… cry, feel the pain…go with it, but let go of the shame…let go of the guilt. It wasn’t your fault. No matter what led up to it, no matter how much you can’t see it right now…you didn’t deserve to be treated the way you were, no one does. Period.

It is funny that as humans we always try to excuse  bad behavior, in whatever form it comes in…how the victims of the crime, whatever it be, bullying, abuse, rape are the ones that carry the guilt and shame of the act.

What is wrong with our world that we don’t talk about any of this out loud easily? That it is easier to just ignore that it is happening or minimalize it, make it seem not that big of a deal…it’s not ok. We have made a start in changing things, but there are still taboo things people would rather overlook than talk about, like children getting viciously beaten in their own homes, men getting raped, elder abuse or physical abuse in ANY form to anyone…things like that are still not things people want to say out loud, if a victim speaks up, they are taking a chance…a chance that they will be the one that is made to feel responsible for what took place.  How do we change that? How do we make people see that no matter how it started or who is involved, violence and abuse is not going away until the bullies are confronted.

I have found that everyone I have personally talked to about this subject, has their own story…none of us are alone, we just all feel like we are.

My best friend Phyllis said something to me the other night, that made me move one more step ahead, something we should all remember…

What happened to you, is your story… it is not who you are.

I have pretty smart friends. Just saying.

So my epiphany the other night (the same night actually, only earlier) was this…

I set myself up for failure, unknowingly…yes.

Consistently…absolutely.

So why do I do it???

“Thoughts become things” is a saying that I truly believe. And up until the other day I never thought about what I was doing to myself over and over and over again.

You see, I don’t think I am good enough.

I don’t think I am smart enough.

I don’t think I am worthy…because of what happened to me when I was young.

I beat myself up for so long, so hard about something that I can’t go back and change, something that I had no control over.

What the hell is that all about?

I have never played the victim, I have never felt like a victim…but I have let it control how I live and the happiness I allow into my life since it happened.

It took me half of a hundred years to figure it out…well almost half :)

That is a long time to beat yourself up, I am pretty tired out, I have to say.

It is amazing how one little conversation, with friends that you have known forever can start a healing process that you have been longing for, for years…all it takes is one person saying, “hey, this happened to me, and it’s shitty and it changed me and how I look at things, but if I don’t talk about it, if I don’t get it off my chest…it will eat me alive.”

Only the bad guys win in that situation.

The bad guys don’t get to win. Holding onto it, takes away your power and gives it to them…

At this point in my life, I am taking back my power.

I am not saying that I am over the anger, I am not…I am working through it every day. I know that it serves no purpose to be angry and that it can’t change the past.

But if I am lucky enough to live another 47 years, I refuse to let it affect my happiness for one more day.

I am worthy.

I do deserve happiness.

I do deserve to be with that gorgeous, smart and funny guy… that last week I was sure wouldn’t look at me twice.

I do deserve to be adored and looked after and loved.

We all deserve those things.

My story is that I had to work through it all, apparently for a really long time, before I understood the lesson I was supposed to learn from it all.

I am not always the fastest at grasping things, but I eventually figure it all out. I suppose if I wasn’t so stubborn, hard headed and independent…I would have got to this place sooner than I have.

I will never again underestimate the power of friendship, I will have more faith that my friends are there for me, to help me through life’s lessons, the old and the new…

I am no longer afraid, ashamed or guilty.

I never have been the latter, I understand that now. Finally.

So to all of you who are battling within yourselves…who feel alone, lost and maybe guilty for something you know wasn’t your fault…

You are not alone.

I am there with you, the person sitting beside you on the bus is there with you…your best friend might be there with you. If you never tell anyone, you will never know…or heal.

Take the baby step it takes to get better and live a better life, it will probably feel like the hardest thing you have ever done, but once you do it, it will open up doors that you would have never imagined before.

Be well my friends xoxo

 

40 thoughts on “An Epiphany and other life changing stuff…

  1. Lian

    You are definately worthy of all those things Donna! As far as I’ve got to know you I can say you are a great person and I’m happy to have found you in the blogging community.

  2. Steve

    Fabulous!! And you are right, thoughts do become things. It’s understanding that concept that allows us to move forward… as you are. :-)

  3. pip

    Crikey RNP this is the first post you’ve written that has made me cry!!

    What happened to you must have been bad to have taken over your life. Good on you for taking back control.

    Hugs
    PiP

  4. DrM

    Life unfortunately refuses to be a linear process. It can take a long time to be able and feel comfortable dealing with things we went through when we were younger. The best thing Donna is that you are willing to really look at the issue, upack and deal with it the best you can…good on you chica…journey well!

  5. Megan

    My sweet friend, the powers that be most certainly knew what they were doing to have our paths cross. For that I cannot be more grateful. So many times you write as if you’re telling bits and pieces of my life. The words that I cannot get out and share, you share for me. It quite honestly baffles me at how often it happens.

    I know that writing something such as this was huge as it’s something I’ve never been able to do. I’ve shared my story 2 times in the past and can’t say that it’s something I’m willing to share again. People’s reactions were not the most positive and helpful to me. In actuality they did more harm than good. In retrospect I know now that those two individuals who claimed to be friends were not of the truest kind. Had they been they’d have been supportive of me and my story. They’d have wanted to bash heads in and not “poo poo” what I had to say. Time has helped me more than anything. Living and learning what works for me. What to share and what not to share. Learning who those invaluable friends truly are and the ones that aren’t worth my time.

    As with you I’m accepting that it was a story… Not letting it define me has been a struggle, but with time I’ve become accepting of the fact that I am stronger and made more whole by moving forward and letting the past stay just where it belongs. I’m still finding my way home but finally feel as if I am on the right path.

    I am so proud of you. I admire you for your fighter’s attitude. I’m proud of you for rising above and finding your way home. I love you for the fact that you find the words that I sometimes can’t. I thank you for sharing your story and for being a rock for me without you even intending to be. xoxoxoxo

    1. The Redneck Princess Post author

      I have never doubted since the day I met you that it was meant to be, I said before that soul mates are not necessarily the people that we think they are, you my friend are one of my soul mates. I love you so much, yet we have never met, I think of you when I see something cool that I think you would like, which is pretty much every day :) I see the struggles you have had since I met you, and you too meet them head on and like a fighter. That is what draws me to you. Thank you for sharing what you have with me and my readers, thank you for being a great friend, thank you for making me cry happy tears and adding to my list of blessings in this life…xoxoxo

  6. granny1947

    Hi there Love…excellent post.
    You have hit the nail on the head.
    I have survived all the crap in my life by having good friends.
    friends who listened and understood.
    Stay positive.
    Lots of love.

  7. Barb

    As you already know, letting go of the past can be hard Donna; but it is the past, it’s gone, and nothing we can do will change it. Let it go and take back the power you lost way back then. You are strong, you can do it, and you have the friends to support you along the way.
    Stay positive my friend.

  8. Mindslam

    I have alway felt that talking things out with people that care about you is a good thing. My 1st wife would always try to leave (to cool off) when we wpuld have an argument. I always tried to keep her there to talk & fix it. Hate being mad or upset at anybody. That sometimes cause our fights to get worse. Talking it out helps me. Hope this post helped you out.

    1. The Redneck Princess Post author

      Ya leaving to cool off, never works with me either, my ex used to do that…mostly because his head in the sand was better than dealing with stuff. He is still like that…hence the ex part. I do feel better having said it out loud, life is good, hurting and healing means you are indeed alive…can’t get better than that can it? :)

  9. Separated Dad

    Hi RNP,

    What a touching post. I can only guess at the past event. For it to affect you for so long, it must have been significant. And surely undeserved. Based on a recent post of mine, I can probably say honestly that there but for the grace of God…

    I’m so sad you’re going through this at all as I’m so pleased that you’re working through this and getting past it, even if its taken a long time to learn that, no, it was never your fault, never something that should have haunted you.

    Good luck with removing this burden. If you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here. And I’m sure half of your followers are too.

    Cheers, SD.

    1. The Redneck Princess Post author

      Thank you Sean…and don’t be sad for me :) It was a long time ago, and the healing has been a huge learning for me in all ways. I have learned things about myself in the last few years that have made me stronger and so much more grateful. Like my friend said, it is just a story…it just took me a long time to separate the two, it is actually so freeing, and amazing to realize…so it’s all good my friend. I will talk to you soon :)

  10. Brenda

    Awesome Donna! It is very hard to let go. You will never forget but you must move on. Find a way to get past whatever happened. We all have skeletons. If we continue to sit and stew on the past, it will eat us up forever. If we can not move on, we will never see our full potential. Again, as you know, it is hard to move on BUT once you start that baby step of moving on…. you can feel a sense of relief. Know you are better than whatever happened or whomever did it to you. Don’t give them the satisfaction of knowing you are still hurt. Tell em “F*** you!” and take back all the power you left them have over you! Look in the mirror everyday and say “I am beautiful. I am a great person. I am worthy of much more. I am powerful and no one can take that from me!”

    Love ya girlie! ~hugs~

  11. Holly

    It sounds like you are working through what you need to work through…and that you’ve been working through it for a long time. Though nobody knows for sure, this might be a life long struggle for you to understand why?.. but you don’t have to go it alone. Amazing how much you can find that you might have in common with others once you share. Stay strong!

  12. Benjamin Eakin

    Taking that first step can be the hardest thing you may do your entire life. But, without it, you continue to stand in the same miserable place. I’ve spent a lifetime pulling people close to me while, at the same time, keeping them at arms-length. I’m finally allowing them a little closer and life is calmer. Welcome home.