When the words won’t come…

When the words won’t come…

I know that no one is expecting me to write. I didn’t expect to write.

Sometimes nothing else helps, when there is nothing you can do.

I want to sit here and just spill my guts out, but I don’t know what to say.

How do you fathom someone’s loss of their oldest child? You just can’t. Phyllis is my second friend to go through this in my life, it is just as hard to know what to do today as it was 19 years ago.

There is nothing you can say or do or think that makes it work out ok in your head, is there?

There is nothing that will lighten their burden or lessen their loss.

I have a 20 year old son, the thought of anything happening to him makes me want to die, I don’t know how you live through it when it really happens to you.

Phyllis has been like a sister to me for years, I am not even really sure how many years, it just feels to me like she has always been there. In many ways she has, when no one else was, when no one else gets me, when no one else can grab a hold of me and lead me the right way, she has always been the one that can. She has never judged me, walked away from me or wavered in the friendship she gives me. Ever.

That is a pretty amazing gift to give to someone. I can honestly say she teaches me something new all the time.

She is an amazing Mother, she is an amazing friend…

It is hard to look around and see everyone rushing around for Christmas and spreading goodwill and joy, not feeling that so much this week…just saying.

I know all I can do is be here for her when she comes back home, try and lessen the load for her to work through the next part of life that she will have to deal with, it just doesn’t in any way, feel like it’s enough.

Even though I know she would tell me it is.

I said to her before she left, that I just didn’t know what to do or say. She looked at me and told me, that I was going to raise my boys and help them grow up, and she was going to be with me and watch them grow with me….

Again being my rock when I need to be hers…

I almost feel selfish writing…I don’t want any of this to be about me. It is all about her and what she needs right now. For some reason anything I write makes me feel self serving and shallow.

I am just not really sure how else to work through the grief today. There is no handbook for the shit life throws at the people you love sometimes. So we stumble through it the best way we know how. We hope we can say the right things, and make the right decisions when the time is right to make them.

So forgive me while I blunder my way through what I am feeling and what little I can do, send your love not to me, but to Phyllis…she needs it more than I.

And again…hug your children, tell your spouse you love them, tell your parents how thankful you are to have them…embrace your friends and be thankful for all you have.

Remember how lucky you are to have your kids there to make you crazy, eat all your food and spend all your money…what an amazing thing huh?

We are all blessed to be parents, for as long as we are given…which sometimes is just not long enough at all.


24 thoughts on “When the words won’t come…

  1. Barb

    Just being there for your friend without any words being spoken, will strengthen her and she will feel your love.
    Just do what you are doing Donna, that’s what she needs.

  2. Rachel

    When I was twelve years old, my best friend (also twelve) lost her mother to a long battle with cancer. For years afterward, she would say things to people like, “I don’t know how I would have gotten through that if it hadn’t been for Rachel.” But for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out what I had done that was so special! I didn’t have any inspiring words of wisdom to share…what on earth do you say to your friend who has just lost her mother at the age of twelve? I was just there…there to let her talk about her mom when she needed to talk about her, there to allow her to laugh (and laugh with her) if something was funny, or cry with her if something was sad. I think the best thing you can do for your friend is to just be there, even if you feel like you have nothing special to say.

  3. Pingback: Small Miracles... | The Redneck Princess

  4. pip

    Keep writing RNP…Cry, cry some more and then be strong for your freind. Bloody hell you are making me cry here just reading your moving post

  5. SpilledInkGuy

    I literally can not imagine how incredibly devastating something like this would be. It’s the sort of thing that is so awful, I can’t even get my mind around it… truly, truly, awful. But I know how much your support must mean to your friend at a time like this, R.N.P…
    you, your friend and her family will continue to be in my thoughts…

  6. Rebecca

    Writing about your grief may help others deal with their own. Use your gift…..and grieve in “your” own way. I know it will touch others. My heart breaks for your friend…..just so sorry…..Love, Reb

  7. Gwen Gilles

    We all experience tragedy in our lives how we cope with it is ours alone. We are lucky to have family and friends such as yourself to help us through the rough patches and hopefully come out somewhat whole on the other side. Each day we have to take baby steps into a new future without our loved one, with strength, love and hope we try to find a new life.
    Quitly bring joy, love and laughter with you everytime you see your friend Donna, hopefully one day soon she will share all of that again. May her son sleep with the angels.

  8. susan

    All I can think to say is sometimes the quiet presence is better than trying to say or do the right things, gentleness is sometimes the true strength. She will know you are there for her. As an intensive care nurse I learned first hand that everyone grieves differently and needs different things, especially when the loss is of this magnitude. I always found that my most difficult challenge was helping a Mother through the loss of her child. Even one time when the Mother was 80 years old, her son was 61 years old….she crumbled! Be strong, look after yourself, and run to her when she calls…just sayin’

  9. ash

    Oh no :( I am so sorry to read about this. Sending my love to Phyllis, and strength to you. Follow your instincts – with our closest friends, whatever feels like the right thing to do usually is.

    Hugest hugs to all of you :(xxx

  10. Megan

    Donna, you writing is not selfish by any means. In order for you to be there for Phyllis, you have to attempt to “deal” with the situation in your own terms. You have to get what little grasp you can on the matter so that you can be there for her and be her rock… if that takes you writing it out, do it! My heart breaks for her as I think about her loss. The road ahead is going to be tough, but she will be ok if she is surrounded by wonderful and loyal friends such as yourself. You do what you have to to get by… Somehow my mom did it. I had an older sister that passed away many years ago, and my mom pulled through the heartache even when she didn’t think it was possible. But she did because she had the love and support of her friends and family. Shower Phyllis with love and support. Listen, talk, write… those are the things you can do… those are the things that matter. Hugs to Phyllis and to you too darlin’, xoxoxo

      1. Megan

        Awww, that’s the sweetest. :) It made me cry! See, this is what I mean! Look where our writing has gotten the two of us! I love you too my friend and am so appreciative for you. I’m a far better and stronger person with you as a friend and your support for me always lets me know I’m not alone. THAT’S what you’re doing for Phyllis. AND by you writing about it on here she’s got a shit load more love, support and prayers coming her way. :) xoxoxoxoxo

  11. Benjamin Eakin

    My brother was murdered at age 28. I don’t think my father ever actually got over that. My mother gave us a better example, however. She allowed us to talk about Michael and remember the good things — the funny things. That helped some. We were afraid to even mention my brother to my father because it threw him into a depression. I believe had he allowed himself to grieve, his life would have been better. To be truthful, I didn’t realize I’d never allowed myself to grieve until after I sobered up. That was a very long time to hold grief at arms-length.

    I think we all blunder our way through grief. The best thing you can probably do for your friend is give her the space to do her grieving, while staying available to hear anything she wants to say.

    Sounds like you’re doing exactly what you need to be doing.


    1. The Redneck Princess Post author

      I am so sorry for your loss Ben…I don’t think it matters HOW you lose your child, the devastation would be unbearable….you just aren’t supposed to die before your children. There is just no way to know how we will deal with it or if we can I suppose…thank you for your thoughts xox

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