I had a post started…it just feels lame. So I am starting over again. I am really having trouble getting back into this. I won’t lie. It’s not that there are not a million things going on in my head, and some of them are even funny, but holy crap putting them down is coming hard to me right now. Nothing I write feels right.
I have to back up and just write what I feel and not what I think people want to hear, right?
My blog has always been a place for me to just spew things out, and say what I feel. The thing is this…right now, I need to be positive, I want to be positive. I just know I am not quite pulling it off.
There are just still these strings of sadness threaded through. Pieces of life that we have to work through bit by bit, day by day. It is mostly positive. It really is…but my heart still breaks for Phyllis. I wish I knew what to say to her to make her journey easier. I know I can’t change it, but I want to always have the right thing to say, I want to be her rock. I just don’t feel that reliable. Or useful. I also know and it is me putting that pressure on myself and no one else.
So how do we work through the tragedy in life, and come out whole, even when we are affected in ways that make us change and grow in ways we never expected or in directions we never wanted to go?
I really don’t want to do another blog about sadness and loss. There have been lots of smiles and hugs and more love than one person can absorb, seriously more because of such a horrible loss than we would have had without it. I know that sounds bizarre, but it is true on every level.
I just still have days when I am trying to figure out how do you go forward in life without fear, without dread…without wondering what next?
I guess my fear has maybe been magnified because shortly after losing Broc my son got sick, and still is. It is not life threatening, but it makes you realize how life can change in such a short time, in a second. How you can have absolutely NO control over what is going on around you.
There is nothing you can do about it. Nothing.
I am honestly finding that terrifying. That and the fact that I am not working right now…probably not the best mix. January is such a brutal month to try and stay busy, stay positive and know that I won’t be floundering around for much longer. I was thinking of going to Whitehorse if I could for a week or so, but my fear of leaving my kids is paralyzing me.
There, I have said it.
I have left my children alone before, they have been fine. They probably love having the house to themselves and being independent, but right now I am finding myself holding on for dear life. In a probably not so healthy way. For me or for them.
I am overprotective, scared and emotional.
I know I need to stop and get on with life and living. I know my fear is not going to accomplish anything good. I am trying to work through it in a healthy and lesson learning way.
But holy fuck.
I feel like my feet are stuck in cement and there is nothing I can do to get out of it.
Even though that is totally irrational, and unhealthy, and even sounds a little bit insane. It is how I feel right now.
I have never been a worrier, I know life throws at us what it will and we just have to wade through the deep shit with hip waders on and make it out the other side. Most of the time the choice is not ours to make, how we deal with it is. I know this.
So once again I guess I am asking you to bear with me while I stumble through this, while I try to fight my way back up through the murk, to the top…where I can breathe again. Where I can start to make more sense of things and let go of the fear.
Where I can get back to funny…and feel it sincerely…It will come, eventually.
Reading all your blogs has helped me so much, I spent some quality time today catching up with you all. Thank you for making me smile with your humor and your great stories, you are all a big old life ring to me right now, keeping me afloat…thanks for that.
Happy Wednesday my friends xoxo