The Redneck Princess

Does anyone know where I put my funny?

Does anyone know where I put my funny?

I had a post started…it just feels lame. So I am starting over again. I am really having trouble getting back into this. I won’t lie. It’s not that there are not a million things going on in my head, and some of them are even funny, but holy crap putting them down is coming hard to me right now. Nothing I write feels right.

I have to back up and just write what I feel and not what I think people want to hear, right?

My blog has always been a place for me to just spew things out, and say what I feel. The thing is this…right now, I need to be positive, I want to be positive.  I just know I am not quite pulling it off.

There are just still these strings of sadness threaded through. Pieces of life that we have to work through bit by bit, day by day. It is mostly positive. It really is…but my heart still breaks for Phyllis. I wish I knew what to say to her to make her journey easier. I know I can’t change it, but I want to always have the right thing to say, I want to be her rock. I just don’t feel that reliable. Or useful. I also know and it is me putting that pressure on myself and no one else.

So how do we work through the tragedy in life, and come out whole, even when we are affected in ways that make us change and grow in ways we never expected or in directions we never wanted to go?

I really don’t want to do another blog about sadness and loss. There have been lots of smiles and hugs and more love than one person can absorb, seriously more because of such a horrible loss than we would have had without it. I know that sounds bizarre, but it is true on every level.

I just still have days when I am trying to figure out how do you go forward in life without fear, without dread…without wondering what next?

I guess my fear has maybe been magnified because shortly after losing Broc my son got sick, and still is. It is not life threatening, but it makes you realize how life can change in such a short time, in a second. How you can have absolutely NO control over what is going on around you.

There is nothing you can do about it. Nothing.

I am honestly finding that terrifying. That and the fact that I am not working right now…probably not the best mix. January is such a brutal month to try and stay busy, stay positive and know that I won’t be floundering around for much longer. I was thinking of going to Whitehorse if I could for a week or so, but my fear of leaving my kids is paralyzing me.

There, I have said it.

I have left my children alone before, they have been fine. They probably love having the house to themselves and being independent, but right now I am finding myself holding on for dear life. In a probably not so healthy way. For me or for them.

I am overprotective, scared and emotional.

I know I need to stop and get on with life and living. I know my fear is not going to accomplish anything good. I am trying to work through it in a healthy and lesson learning way.

But holy fuck.

I feel like my feet are stuck in cement and there is nothing I can do to get out of it.

Even though that is totally irrational, and unhealthy, and even sounds a little bit insane. It is how I feel right now.

I have never been a worrier, I know life throws at us what it will and we just have to wade through the deep shit with hip waders on and make it out the other side. Most of the time the choice is not ours to make, how we deal with it is. I know this.

So once again I guess I am asking you to bear with me while I stumble through this, while I try to fight my way back up through the murk, to the top…where I can breathe again. Where I can start to make more sense of things and let go of the fear.

Where I can get back to funny…and feel it sincerely…It will come, eventually.

Reading all your blogs has helped me so much, I spent some quality time today catching up with you all. Thank you for making me smile with your humor and your great stories, you are all a big old life ring to me right now, keeping me afloat…thanks for that.

Happy Wednesday my friends xoxo

21 thoughts on “Does anyone know where I put my funny?

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  2. pip

    Happy Friday :)

    Hey you are one of life’s warriors my friend, but even warriors hurt inside at times. Don’t worry you will get your funny mojo back and life and writing will flow once more.
    January is a real shit time of year at the best of times, but when you are down in the dumps it is magnified by the long dark evenings, cold and often lack of sun.

    HAng on in there!

  3. Heidi

    I’m just a stranger…but I’d say this. Right now you’re sad, probably angry and feeling overwhelmed by the magnitude of the tragedy. That’s how you feel and that’s okay. Remind yourself of things that you are grateful for…this can help you get through your darkest moments. Set the big goals later when the clouds clear.
    I enjoy visiting your blog…you can always count on something different, something real, and something honest.

  4. Brenda

    You’re being tested gf! Channel your inner peace. You already know, we’re here for ya. Vent away, don’t keep it inside. It will all work itself out. BTW, LOVE LOVE LOVE the new color!!

  5. Barb

    My heart goes out to you Donna, and I wish I could help, even if it’s only to lend a hearing ear, or for you to cry on my shoulder.
    Thankfully, nothing stays the same, so the way you are feeling now will eventually pass.
    Some self-indulgence sounds like a great idea, so go on, pamper yourself, it’s surprising how good it will make you feel.
    In the meantime, blog all you want about how you feel, it’s good to get it off your chest. Your mojo will come back, you’ll see.

    1. The Redneck Princess Post author

      Thanks Barb :) I dyed my hair last night, so I am a sexy brunette instead of a blonde…hahahhahaha…and Friday is my facial. I really wish I could afford to just jump on a plane right now and fly away, but alas I cannot…so I will try and find creative ways to get my groove back again :) Today was a better day for sure…

  6. tink

    totally with you on this. i get up at 6, get the train into the city, work all day and on the ride home dread having to blog. it shouldnt feel like that!! xx

  7. Sandi

    today, I thought (while getting coffee going, making kids breakfast, making kids lunches, all the homework that we can’t possibly do, no job, finances crashing in…people losing loved ones- it’s happening all over to many people we know.) All those thoughts and I’m TIRED. I’m so extremely tired and my thoughts were

    “I need a vacation from my life.”

    I’m tired of dealing with Molluscum Contagiosum- finally got Gib’s skin under control (somewhat) & now my Sammie has a tiny bump near her belly button (that I found if touched/scratched can spread all over her body.) Trying to keep the kids from touching the bumps, each other or using the same towels, is impossible!

    There’s just “too much of this and not enough of that.” I seriously just want to step into another person’s life for a day, or two…or maybe a week. Just to take a break from my problems & get perspective.

    Do you feel that way?

    I find getting some sunshine usually improves the mood greatly. I’m heading out to take Samantha to school and will come back with a better attitude! :) It’s a BEAUTIFUL day in Southern Cal. I just gotta get out there. Maybe you just need a little sunshine?

    Sandi

    1. The Redneck Princess Post author

      Oh honey, I wish I was there to give you a hand :) or to help you tie Sam and Gib up so they can’t scratch :) Ya, some sunshine would be a bloody awesome thing at this point. My brother and Jen gave me a facial for my birthday present, I am going to get it on Friday. I think maybe a little self indulgence isn’t going to hurt at this point. I am going to start meditating again today too. I find that it grounds me and slows my crazy thoughts down alot. All we can do is plug on through, and be thankful for what is going right huh? Even though some days it’s hard to see the forest for the trees…hugs to you Sandi xoxo

  8. Rafa acmewolf

    Sometimes, when I don’t find something, the first place I look is in the garage, or in the kitchen cabinet. :) Don’t worry, your funny will be comeback soon.

  9. Cecelia Futch

    Grief is a shitty thing to have to go through, but there is absolutely no way around it. I read this post and my heart goes out to you and your friend and her family and friends. I know it sucks. I’ve been there and done that, too. When I read this I see a woman who is working through it, wearing the hip-boots and trudging through the muck to the other side. You will get there, and you will laugh again, and move boldly forward again, and you will be wiser. I don’t know you but if I could I would shoulder some of the pain for you. Being as I can’t do that, I do offer my prayers and support through this time.

    {{{Hugs}}}