When you see the signs…

When you see the signs…

I didn’t expect to write this post at all, it has randomly come out of the blue for me. It will be good therapy, it may help someone else out there. I hope so.

Let me just clarify first, the post I wrote yesterday was just how I felt about the situation I was in. I am in no way saying the man I was seeing was abusive. I don’t know him well enough to say that. I just know myself well enough to know what I can take personally when it comes to my feelings and my self security.

My friend Rebecca sent me this link today @ You are not crazy. It brought back memories for me from about 14 years ago. I was in a very verbally abusive relationship for two years with a man, that unbelievably enough had been a friend of mine for about 12 years before that.

It is true that you never know someone until you live with them.

Our relationship was the rebound from my marriage, which was also unhealthy in a controlling way.

It started out innocently enough, I actually thought he was just joking around in the beginning. I had already been pretty beaten down from my marriage and at first he seemed supportive and loving.

It didn’t last long. Men like that, who are bullies…pick the women who already have low self esteem, obviously an easy target will always be the choice.

It started out with name calling with a smile, and worked it’s way up to him throwing things at me. He was never physically abusive to me, probably because I left before it got to that point.

I was verbally abused daily, the breaking point for me, was when he started to do it to my children. I had no idea how to get out of the situation. We had just built a house together, I had put all he appliances for the house on my credit card, I was cleaning houses for money, I had no real job and I had two children under five years old.

One day, I was outside in our yard with a machete clearing blackberry bushes…it was a beautiful day and I was glad to have some time to myself while my baby was sleeping and my youngest and the abuser watched tv.

Around lunch time, he came to the door…now, me being optimistic thought maybe he was going to offer me lunch or at least a cold drink…

What came out of his mouth was this…

“What are you going to make us for lunch, we’re hungry.”

I looked up, covered in sweat, tired as hell, with a fucking machete in my hand…

And thought what the FUCK am I doing here?

Defining moment…yes.

I told him to make his own fucking lunch.

The look on his face was stunned. I think he swore at me and then turned around and went into the house.

In the next hour, with a big ass blade in my hand and some very dead blackberries I made the decision to leave. As soon as I could get out.

Somewhere in the next bit of time…I think it took me a couple of weeks to actually get it together enough to get out, my best friend told me to go to the store and buy a book. One that changed my life.

I read it in a day. I devoured it. I finally felt like I wasn’t alone, or going crazy. I finally understood it wasn’t me, it was him.

I sat him down at the kitchen table and told him I was leaving, I told him why I was leaving and I told him when I was leaving.

He cried. Like a baby.

I didn’t care.

I was gone within days of that conversation. My life changed forever. It took me years to financially recover from the credit card debt. He never paid me back for most of it. I have faith that one day Karma will take care of that…maybe it already has.

I have never looked back since then, I have never put myself in a situation that I thought would end anywhere near that. I just can’t imagine feeling that invaluable or degraded ever again, and if I even get a hint that it may turn into the case I will turn around and walk away. I felt that briefly in the last three weeks.

So the Universe is just reminding me that I am worthy of good stuff. That I am not alone on my path, and that there are other people out there who have had the same experiences, who have learned the same lessons. We have made it through and we can’t forget all we have learned.

Sometimes a little shake up is good for the soul…

Happy Friday my friends xoxo

26 thoughts on “When you see the signs…

  1. Ynna

    I really admire you and i’m so glad you got out of that. You really inspire me. Just be strong and keep the faith.

  2. Maysel

    I strongly agree with you that you are not alone.. It is really great that there are things that we will remind us of good stuff.. Thanks for the inspiring thoughts that your shared..

  3. Marquita09

    Hi Princess! This is great, I was been there, and I really fought myself hard to turn my back to him. I admire you for leaving without turning back. I am sure, you’ll find the one that will give you all the love and respect you deserve.

  4. Richard Wiseman

    Hi. That was awesome! You are as strong and brave a person as there can actually be! I keep writing comments here, as do others, that you are an inspiration. The verbally abusive relationship for me was my dad and he would also take a belt to me. My dad had manic depression and my mum coped. My dad criticized me all the time. My dad didn’t hit or belittle my older sister either which also makes it difficult to ‘recover’. The book that changed my life was ‘The Drama Of The Gifted Child’ by Alice Miller. That book and a few others, along with therapists has helped me to grow and like myself; with of course help from my wife. So yes there are great books out there that help people ‘move on’ and I believe that those books are sent our way by God, through people we know. Anyway here’s a link to a blog I did about learning to like myself and getting over how my dad belittled me, effectively bringing me up to be powerless. http://richardwiseman.blogspot.com/2011/11/millenium-man-hard-on-outside-soft-on.html

  5. Kevin

    The part of me that likes to stare into the sun wants to ask “Didn’t you own an oven or a crock pot? Why didn’t you start lunch before you worked on the yard? ;) Sorry.
    I would’ve said he had a lot of guts facing a woman with a machete in her hand, but apparently he was just that clueless. Glad you chose the credit card debt over the machete; you would have traumatized the kids forever and had to spend all that time in jail.

    You deserve much better.

  6. Heidi

    Wow! I didn’t see this one coming. What MoFo messes with The Redneck Princess?!?! Idiot!!!
    Love the courage and vulnerability. One day, a true gentleman will come along and thank his lucky stars that he found YOU.

  7. Viciously Sweet

    I must tell you that your blog is really inspiring. I’m glad that you write your experiences good, bad and indifferent. I hope this helps people evaluate toxic relationships… because everyone deserves to be treated with kindness and respect!

  8. Jaye

    Oh..and I meant to add that this can apply to friendships as well as love relationships..sometimes we need to weed out people who constantly bash us because they are insecure with themselves! :)

    1. The Redneck Princess Post author

      It goes for all relationships Jaye…I have left friends behind not long ago that chose to judge me and try to tell me what to do…It’s not ok no matter who is trying to do it…

  9. Jaye

    I too left a verbally and sexually abusive relationship. Got out before he hit me, but like you, I think it was just that I got out BEFORE he could hit me. Never looked back…but good to have a reminder that we occasionally need to take inventory of our lives…Thanks dear friend for that! :)

  10. The Redneck Princess Post author

    :) None of us are ever alone…I am thankful for that knowledge pretty much every day. Good for you on your growth and insight Mo…Good for me, and thank God for girl power at it’s finest. We rock :)

  11. mo

    Love this! Very inspirational. I, too, left an abusive relationship, mine was physically and mentally. two year cusgody battle, the works. It’s been 11 years. I dated once in the first two years, then stopped dating. Terrified of the wolf in sheeps clothing and did not trust myself to run if I ran into this crap again. I can say, as you’ve said here, too, that all the work that’s been done to get me where I am now can be forgotten in a heart beat if the timing is off and my emotions are reeling. Then I wake up so much sooner, a matter of weeks as well, and bingo! RED FLAG!!!!! Then it’s RUN, RUN, RUN! and I take off to a night on the town with lady friends and I’m all better. He’s history. ‘Nuff said. Thanks for a great piece to remind me I am not alone in this!

%d bloggers like this: