I am on the verge of a huge decision.
Well huge for me, when it involves my hair.
You see, ever since I can remember I have used my hair like a security blanket. If it looks like crap, that is how I feel. Whether it is true or not, it is what it is.
I have taken years to get my hair to where it is right now. Long…
Blame age or menopause or just plain insecurity, whatever it is…I hide behind my hair. I hang onto it.
A year ago right about now, I made a choice in my life to not be afraid.
To live my life the way I wanted to, no matter what anyone else had to say about it. I hurt someone that cared for me a lot. For that I am still sorry, but it would have just ended the same way later on with more hurt. I made a choice to change how I deal with situations.
Or so I thought.
The last year has proven to be a challenging one for me, in many ways. I am good with that. I am not afraid of a good challenge and I thought I was pretty ok with change.
This week I wonder…
I am trying my hardest to be someone understanding and loving, without giving up who I am as a person, a person I have worked hard to become in the last few years.
Some days I am successful, some days not so much.
It’s all learning.
I am in a relationship I am totally grateful for, with a man that I love. It has it’s challenges as well, as will any relationship with two people that are set in their ways after being alone for a good part of life. But we work at it, every day.
I am still doing that with myself as well.
I have self esteem issues.
Why doesn’t matter, and seriously I am not totally sure I get all the reasons myself…I just know it is.
I work hard every single day to be confident and to love myself.
Some days are good.
I have never been truly comfortable in my own skin. I have never felt like I can pull it together like alot of people can. I am clumsy and a bit of a geek, and just have never outgrown that part of myself, or felt confident that I even can…
And that’s ok…
So what started all of this, was a comment made by my son a long time ago…
He said to me, “why don’t you ever wear your hair straight?”
I have been thinking about that, and all I could come up with, was that I couldn’t hide behind it if it was straight now could I?
So the other day, I was buying groceries and felt the need for some reason, to go into the hair section, and lo and behold…there was a straight iron on sale. For half price.
The bargain hunter in me couldn’t pass the deal up. I mean seriously, right?
So I bought it.
And then I got home and thought, what the hell? There wasn’t very much forethought there obviously because now I actually have to use the fucking thing.
I was afraid.
Seriously…you can smack me now if you want, even I know how lame that sounds.
But it is true. I was afraid.
Two days later, after thinking about it alot…
I finally got up the nerve to try and use it.
You know what??? I didn’t actually hate it. It was really different, granted. But the world didn’t end, no one laughed at me, or told me I looked like a boy or a worse version of Blondie.
And it got me thinking.
It is time for me to let go of the insecurity that is my hair.
I have over the years always had the same haircuts. I looked back today, and holy crap, afraid of change much?
So I have decided to go for it.
I have long enough hair on the top layer now, that I can get it cut to one length.
Sort of like the picture of the beautiful Carrie Underwood above…but with bangs.
I know…it is like four inches off.
I know I can do this, I know I can.
Without crying, or making a fuss.
Because this time, unlike every other time before, I have thought about it. Lots.
I need to try something new, to jump out of the comfortable and yet totally boring world of shapeless hair.
So Friday at 5:30…I am going in. Both feet, balls to the wall…and I am doing this!!!
Wish me luck, and here is hoping I don’t change my chicken shit mind, because obviously I will have totally fabulous hair for two days and the doubt will start to kick in. You always have great hair right before you decide to cut it off right?
I promise I will post pictures too, even if I do bail and only get a couple of inches off. That is what I am going to make her do first. Baby steps, cause I am a pussy, and a chicken shit all wrapped in a ball.
I am working on it, really I am…