Mostly because I sometimes suck at following through. I admit that…and it’s ok. I can say it out loud.
If I get bored, I will soon lose interest which then in turn causes me to find something else to do that will keep my interest or at least spark it.
So I don’t make resolutions.
It only makes sense, well it does to me anyway. That way I don’t let myself or anyone else down with high hopes that I will accomplish something I know deep down I have no intention of finishing.
I have plans for this year, don’t get me wrong…big plans, life changing plans, plans that I have never seriously considered before.
I am just not going to make resolutions to do them, because then I never will…and that isn’t good.
You see this year is a big one for me as a woman, for me as a Mom.
On Monday…New Years Eve, my oldest son moved out.
Now I am not going to fake it and say I wasn’t ready. Because I bloody well was. I love the boy more than anything, he has grown into an amazing human being, that is caring and thoughtful and loving. I am so proud of him for all of those things. He is on a good career path doing something he is amazing at and loves doing. Whether he keeps doing it or changes direction, I always know that with him, he will follow his heart and be happy before he does anything for the mighty dollar.
But I am glad that he moved out. Seriously. Glad.
You see…he moved out earlier in the year to take a diving course in Kelowna. I wasn’t really ready for it then, but I got used to it, I let go slowly, because I had no choice. And then he came back again.
And he is a hurricane…with stuff flying around him, you know, like Pigpen, from Charlie Brown…with stuff.
It was time, for both of us, I know he feels the same way, he doesn’t need me bitching at him because the science experiment in his room that once was dinner but is now growing legs and running around, needs to be cleaned up. Right?
And honestly, I just don’t have the capacity to deal with the science experiments and having no dishes in the cupboard because they are all in his room. Moving around. On their own.
My youngest son is next.
He will be graduating school in June. Now I have no unreal expectations that he will be out the door right away…but I have already threatened that the house is on the market in like July and Bruce and I are downsizing.
To one bedroom.
Ok maybe two, but one of them is for Grandma and Poppa…and it might not be in Campbell River.
So then…my big plan is to find a career.
Hopefully my boss doesn’t read this and have a total heart attack. I am coming back I promise :) I am as we speak, counting down the days to February 14th and our first day back!!!
But at the end of this year, everything changes for me and I need to find a way to make it all work in my favor. I am still not sure what that is going to entail yet. I am pretty sure I will need to go back to school for at least a wee bit. I am working on that part of the plan right now, because you have to be organized for about a year before you can get into school…who knew?
I am finding these days…that I need to make a difference. I need to be different. I want to feel like I am giving more than taking, while of course at the same time getting paid for it. How to make that happen is a challenge.
I love my job at the Garden Centre and I have been blessed being there and being part of the amazing group of women (and Nigel) that I work with, I can honestly say that I have never had a job before where I have learned so much every. single. day.
So over the next year or two, I will be trying to find my new self, my new direction…all the while embracing the old, the safe and the constant. I will be learning to let go of my children while they too find their place in this world.
I will try to let go gracefully, and not cry in front of them, when I miss them, or when they walk out my front door to their own place, hopefully with all the tools they need to make their life successful.
And I hope in the meantime I can find my own way…in a big world where I no longer have anyone that needs me to be Mom every single day, when only occasionally will they need me to give them a hug and tell them it will all work out, no matter what they are going through at that moment.
When I will no longer have them home to give me a big hug and tell me the same.
I honestly feel like it will be me moving out and starting over again, I can’t remember what it was like not to have them to with me, not to just be Mom.
It’s a new chapter in the story, a new page to turn…and even though I am tough on the outside, I am scared on the inside.
But without fear, without challenge, we never find anything new…we would never move on because we are paralyzed…I still have a little time to work through that part.
A little time to figure it out.
And this time, I can’t do it overnight. I can’t do it in a hurry.
And it’s not an option to suck at following through…
Happy New Years to you all my friends…may all your dreams come true and your life be full!!