First I want to say, that I LOVE both these videos. Even though they are supposed to be about boys, they basically say it all…the other one is at the end :)
I have blogged about it before. It has been a while. I don’t want to give it anymore of my time is all.
Today, I was in a store with my ex best friend. It was unexpected.
It is so much worse than an ex boyfriend. Most of my ex boyfriends and I are civil with each other, with only one or two exceptions. And none of them would in any way make me feel the regret or loss I feel when I see my ex best friend.
Don’t get me wrong. It will never ever be anything ever again.
I am done with it, and I have come to peace with that. It is part of my life that is totally and forever over with.
But once and a while, if I see her, the hurt comes back just like it is new.
The thing about that, is it is all me.
It is me, giving my power away, feeling angry…feeling resentful, feeling remorse and loss.
None of these emotions are a good thing. I have, over different periods of my life carried stuff with me for far longer than it was healthy. Things that I left without closure.
I have resolved all of the things that I felt made me less than whole for many many years.
It takes me a while, but eventually I face and live through things. Things that weren’t my fault, things that were.
I suppose the part with my old friend, is that it was never resolved. I never got to talk to her face to face. I never got to tell her how disappointed I was in her. How hurt I was that she turned away from me, for no reason. How I thought that we were always going to have each other’s back, no matter what. I know also that a lot of what happened was her shit, not mine. Her guilt and selfishness were all a part of what went on. It would have made me feel better and more able to move on if I had been able to tell her all of that, to look in her eyes and see that she at least had some idea if how her actions had hurt others. I just wanted her to know. Not to make her feel bad or guilty. Just to own it.
It just never happened.
That is fine. We all have our shit.
It just sucks that people have no integrity at all, that people can’t be honest, and own up to thier stuff. One conversation could have changed everything.
But it didn’t.
And that’s ok.
I also know that eventually the ache and the little baby hole in my heart will heal.
I try to live everyday by being honest, and straightforward, with no bullshit. My life is better now. I have more self worth without her and her little “you can do better” remarks. Her little insinuations that she just never thought I was as good as her…
I have grown without her, far more than I ever would have with her.
I know who my friends are, and I know that they are life long, full out and always there for me.
I haven’t let her change how I love, just who I love.
The Universe knows which way to steer us…even if we are like… “what?”
And right now I am not all that sure why it keeps shoving her in front of me…but I do know that letting it go is my stuff. Somehow it’s time.
To stop being angry, to stop being hurt.
To stop blogging about it. So this will officially be the end to my hurt, my sadness, my self doubt. I am walking away for the last time, fully intact, heart mending and without regret.
No more will I give a thought to any of it, I won’t let it make me feel less, I won’t give her power to feel more.
I forgive, and I will try to forget…
Life is way too short to waste it on the unworthy…
I am through…singing songs about you… :)