The Redneck Princess

Excuse me sir, but is that a spider on your shoulder?

Excuse me sir, but is that a spider on your shoulder?

Because holy crap, I wish there was something I could have said, some way I could have acted that would have made me feel responsible and helpful.

But I just stood there like a deer in the headlights.

I just stood there hoping that someone else would tell him, hoping beyond hope that someone else had even seen it.

I wanted someone else to take responsibility for it so I didn’t have too.

But no one did.

Everyone else was as speechless and afraid as I was, or I was the only one that saw it, and I did nothing. I walked away.

I was shopping for dinner, like I do pretty much every night, I was standing in the check out line, waiting for the cashier to finish ringing through my groceries, when it happened.

I looked over to the isle beside us and the guy waiting to pay for his groceries, had one of those crazy jumping black spiders on his shoulder. And it was exploring. His shoulder, his back, up to his neck..beeline over to the right shoulder and down the front to where I couldn’t see it anymore.

Now seriously, I have had one other memorable moment in my life when I wondered if I was the only one that saw that.

The first time I actually was with my ex, and he saw it too, a huge, and I mean huge whale jumped out of the water in Puerto Vallarta. We looked at each other and then both looked around, and it was like no one else had seen it. And it was the coolest thing ever…apparently they come into the bay to spawn, and are there from December to March. But as usual I digress…

So the thing was this…

As soon as I saw the spider, I froze. Literally. My heart started beating and I almost couldn’t breathe. All I could think was thank god it was on him and not me. Please don’t let there be one on me.

Because if that happened to me, and somehow I saw the spider crawling on me. I would do the little girl screaming flailing around dance trying to just. get. it. off.

Even one of these, basically harmless little spiders…

djspider

I wanted to tell him there was a spider on him, I really did. The rationalization in my head as to why I didn’t was that I didn’t want to start a crowd panic, you know like when there is an earthquake or something, only it’s a jumping spider.

And seriously the only way I could have helped him was to yell. I wasn’t going to go over there…and yelling just seemed like not the thing to do at the time. It seemed, well…excessive.

I mean it was just a little spider right? As long as the guy didn’t panic, it would probably just move on to the next victim, or tree, or shopper.

It just wasn’t going to be me.

So I didn’t say a word, not one…and I walked behind him, at a fair distance out of the store. He went right with his little friend and I went left.

Feeling crappy. Feeling gutless. Feeling like maybe I had just sacrificed a human for the greater good of spiders.

So if you hear about it in the news, it was probably my fault. Because I couldn’t speak, because I am terrified of a wee creature that is the size of my pinky fingernail…because I am a wuss.

Owned.

And to the guy in the store. I am sorry. Even though I don’t know who you are or if you lived through it. I am still sorry. I wish I had been brave enough to save you from the fear you would have felt when you actually found the spider, somewhere on you. Then again, that might just be me pushing my terror onto you.

I am sorry for that too.

There was just really nothing I could do at the time, terror is a funny thing. I mean it made me speechless, that doesn’t happen very often does it?

So I sincerely apologize now, it’s all I have…and if you are my friend, or near me with a spider on you, you should probably hope there is someone braver than me around, because I won’t be able to help you at all.

Just so you know.

Happy hump day to you all!!

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