Today…my baby boy graduates.
I am not going to lie to you…well I was going to, but I figured what the hell, let’s just own all the emotions that come to the surface when your youngest child is getting ready to fly the coop.
It is the change in life you are never going to be ready for.
The day when you have no one to look after, no one to feed, no one to yell at for being a slob, no one to give you that big ripping kid hug on a shitty day when you need it.
I have sort of planned for this.
I am trying to get my own life in order, trying to go back to school, so I can be the adult I know I can be.
So as I sit here this morning, drinking coffee, getting ready for the big day ahead, I have decided that blogging is the only way to wrap my head around this.
Writing is what makes me realize the truth, when nothing else seems to be sinking in.
My three boys are grown men. Not the kids that they used to be…
My oldest son Zachary is 32 now. 32. He was 7 when I first met him. When he first moved into our home with his father and I. He is 32 now. Did I mention that?
My first born son Dylan, is 22. It just seems like yesterday that he graduated. Even though it was 5 years ago now.
And today my baby Colton…is graduating. I am crying sitting here, how am I ever going to hold it together tonight, how do I possibly show the pride I have in all three without being a blubbering fool?
Colton always said, he knew it was a good movie if I cried.
Well Colton, I am crying.
I am going to miss this part of my life…I am so grateful for all the struggles, the laughter, the joy, the fighting, the huge amount of love, the accomplishments and the tears we have had over the years.
I hope I haven’t messed them up too badly with my not so perfect life and sometimes not so great of choices.
I hope they all have the tools that they need to be happy and somewhat functional in this messed up world we live in.
I hope they all know that they can come back.
Well for a little while anyway. Hopefully they don’t move back in when they are 32 and getting a divorce with a 5 year old and a 6 month old baby, like I did to my Mom and Dad.
Though if they have to, I am ok with that.
I am good with them coming home to raid my fridge and my garden. Or just to get a big hug on a shitty day.
I know I have to let them fly, and be the men they want to be.
I am trying really hard to let them go…
But no matter what I have said over the years about them moving out and having my house to myself…I realize now, I never really meant it at all.
My heart just isn’t ready for this…
And my big tough girl facade is crumbling around me…
I also know there isn’t a chance in hell I am going to hold it together tonight without crying.
To my son Colton, who will probably never read this :) Congratulations my boy. I love you beyond words and I am so proud of who you have become. I can’t wait to see what the rest of your life holds in store for you, to watch you climb mountains, to attain your dreams, to get up again and carry on if you fall. Remember I am here if you need me, for a sandwich, a lecture, or just a great big hug when you need one. You make me so proud.
So tonight, for the last time, until one of them gets married, or has a baby…we will all be together, my ex and I don’t hang out…but today we will. And we will be proud, of the boys we share…of the men they have become and the lives we have to look forward to.
There will be pictures to follow…
And hopefully…I am not the only one crying.