When boys turn into men…

When boys turn into men…

When boys turn into men…

Today…my baby boy graduates.

I am not going to lie to you…well I was going to, but I figured what the hell, let’s just own all the emotions that come to the surface when your youngest child is getting ready to fly the coop.

It is the change in life you are never going to be ready for.

The day when you have no one to look after, no one to feed, no one to yell at for being a slob, no one to give you that big ripping kid hug on a shitty day when you need it.

I have sort of planned for this.

I am trying to get my own life in order, trying to go back to school, so I can be the adult I know I can be.

So as I sit here this morning, drinking coffee, getting ready for the big day ahead, I have decided that blogging is the only way to wrap my head around this.

Writing is what makes me realize the truth, when nothing else seems to be sinking in.

My three boys are grown men. Not the kids that they used to be…

Zachary, Colton and Dylan

My oldest son Zachary is 32 now. 32. He was 7 when I first met him. When he first moved into our home with his father and I. He is 32 now. Did I mention that?

My first born son Dylan, is 22. It just seems like yesterday that he graduated. Even though it was 5 years ago now.

And today my baby Colton…is graduating. I am crying sitting here, how am I ever going to hold it together tonight, how do I possibly show the pride I have in all three without being a  blubbering fool?

Colton always said, he knew it was a good movie if I cried.

Well Colton, I am crying.

Me and the boys

I am going to miss this part of my life…I am so grateful for all the struggles, the laughter, the joy, the fighting, the huge amount of love, the accomplishments and the tears we have had over the years.

I hope I haven’t messed them up too badly with my not so perfect life and sometimes not so great of choices.

I hope they all have the tools that they need to be happy and somewhat functional in this messed up world we live in.

I hope they all know that they can come back.

Well for a little while anyway. Hopefully they don’t move back in when they are 32 and getting a divorce with a 5 year old and a 6 month old baby, like I did to my Mom and Dad.

Though if they have to, I am ok with that.

I am good with them coming home to raid my fridge and my garden. Or just to get a big hug on a shitty day.

I know I have to let them fly, and be the men they want to be.

I am trying really hard to let them go…

But no matter what I have said over the years about them moving out and having my house to myself…I realize now, I never really meant it at all.

My heart just isn’t ready for this…

And my big tough girl facade is crumbling around me…

I also know there isn’t a chance in hell I am going to hold it together tonight without crying.

To my son Colton, who will probably never read this :) Congratulations my boy. I love you beyond words and I am so proud of who you have become. I can’t wait to see what the rest of your life holds in store for you, to watch you climb mountains, to attain your dreams, to get up again and carry on if you fall. Remember I am here if you need me, for a sandwich, a lecture, or just a great big hug when you need one. You make me so proud.

Colton

So tonight, for the last time, until one of them gets married, or has a baby…we will all be together, my ex and I don’t hang out…but today we will. And we will be proud, of the boys we share…of the men they have become and the lives we have to look forward to.

There will be pictures to follow…

And hopefully…I am not the only one crying.

xoxox

14 thoughts on “When boys turn into men…

  1. nan @ lbddiaries

    Oh man, does this bring back the memories. I only had the one and he turned 30 last year. Thirty. Wow. I so totally related to this post and I can tell you, on the other side, after the heart stops hurting, you will bloom into this amazing woman with different goals in life, different jobs, and a freedom to be yourself as a different person (i.e., not mom) – but – you will always be their mom and they actually will always (even secretly sometimes, smile) need you!

    The relationship actually becomes sweeter as you see that the work you put into them manifested into GOOD men – that is the most amazing feeling. You’re gonna love your new life and new relationship! Visiting from Kim’s at My Inner Chick!

  2. territerri

    Congratulations to Colton and big hugs to you! I know just how you feel. It is hard to say goodbye to the days when your kids were still kids.

  3. Shauna

    You have great kids and they didn’t get dropped down from space:)
    They watched and learned that you love them, you work hard, you take care of everything, you laugh lots and you care about all the big stuff. One of the things I know that they will inherit from you is if it is right..it’s right and if it’s not right it’s wrong and you gotta fix it. That is huge. Some people never find their plumb line.
    Congrats to Colton…your big day is here. Enjoy!

  4. Sherry

    You have me crying at my desk…you should be a proud Momma, job well done. You are amazing and so are your boys, or should I say young men. Hugs my friend.

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