I just don’t think I am doing this right…

I just don’t think I am doing this right…

It is that time of the year. September looms close, and our babies move on and out. We sit and wonder…how did this happen? How are they not five anymore? How come a kiss and a smile isn’t all we need to fix an owie? How did we all get this old?

I take some comfort in knowing I am not alone…Bruce and many of my friends are going through the same thing.

My friend Janis’ daughter is in Sweden for crying out loud. For a year.

My other friend Deb has just come home from taking her daughter to the other side of Canada…

Bruce’s daughter is going to Victoria. Tomorrow.

My once wee son…now grown, is moving to the Sunshine Coast to go to school. I have the comfort of knowing that he is close to my folks. That if he needs anything they are a twenty minute drive away. It still doesn’t take away that feeling in your stomach. It still doesn’t make me less sad or terrified.

It won’t stop me from crying when we are driving away.

Why don’t they tell you stuff like this before you have kids? You know, the stuff like…no matter how much they fight, or eat, or drive you nuts, you are going to hate more than anything, the day they leave.


No matter how proud you are or how thankful you feel that you didn’t mess them up too badly while they were growing up…you still can’t quite let them go, it’s still too soon for them to take on the world without you standing beside them, watching over to make sure it’s all okay.

Isn’t it?

And what now?

How do we start all over from scratch when we are this old and set in our ways?

How do we worry less and live large?

How do we move on to the next phase gracefully without blubbering our tears all over everyone we see that innocently asks us how we are?

I wish I had all the answers, hell…I wish I had even one.

But I don’t. All I have is love, and faith and pride in knowing I have done all I can do with what I had to give. I have loved and guided to the best of my ability…though sometimes I know it wasn’t always what I would do if I had a do over.

For those times…all I ask for is understanding, that I am human and I have made mistakes…but I have loved you both more than anything in my life.

And I am really not sure what I am going to do without you.

I will be fine in a little while…once I get my head around no more messy bedrooms or stinky backpacks. Or hugs when no one else is there right at the moment I need one.

It will just take a bit.

And hopefully no one asks how I am doing…or the tears will fall.

At least for a little while, until I am sure you are okay without me.

12 thoughts on “I just don’t think I am doing this right…

  1. Jane

    Hello Princess! Be grateful that you have raised healthy, happy, responsible children! Imagine for a moment that they were irresponsible and lazy and still living in your basement when they’re 30 with no desire to have a future…..not a good mental picture is it. And if they are happy, that’s what counts. And you are free to do the things you like and you can visit back and forth and Skype and talk on the phone in between. It will be okay. They will always be your children and you will always be their mom. You are still mothering, just from afar, and they will be home again and again and again. Have a good weekend!

      1. Jane

        FYI, I found your blog several years ago when I did a google search on “Keith Urban”!! Isn’t Keith just the best!! HAHA!! I’ve enjoyed reading your blogs ever since. Greetings from St. Louis!

  2. territerri

    Virtual hugs to you. I’m right there with you in this stage in life. All those years we wanted to reclaim our lives? We’re there now. Except no one told us we’d want all those years back that we wished away.

  3. nan @ lbddiaries

    Ahhh, I remember well. Mine has been out – well he’ll be 31 in Sept. It was hard until I turned around and saw Alpha Hubby and he said, “Hellloooo baby!” It began a new and even better relationship with our son, who drops by all the time. After I quit with the hurting heart, I saw how much fun he was having with his freedom and well remembered how I felt back then (cinder blogs and board shelves non-withstanding!) I saw I’d done as good a job as possible raising him. He was going to be (and he is) fine! Alpha Hubby and I had never been alone (I was a single parent) so we also had a freedom that we have enjoyed like you wouldn’t believe. This phase of life will be sweeter than you can believe, trust me.

  4. HoaiPhai

    The best way to cope is to convert the bedroom your child is vacating to move to their first apartment into the kind of room you wanted in the first apartment you moved into alone but could not afford the decor. Install a real bar in there. Get a kickin’ stereo and beanbag chairs and black lights and Jimi Hendrix posters. And a hookah. Make shelves out of cinder blocks and planks of mismatched wood. This will not only allow you to share the excitement your son experiences for his new place it will make his room virtually unlivable for him should he ever want to move back!

    Yes, you will come to enjoy “remote parenting”. My son lives ~700 km away and brings me my hometown beer when he visits!

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