In the midst of chaos…

In the midst of chaos…

There is always a uh-huh moment. It is one of the Universe’s ways of messing with us, of making us do better and forge forward. Usually after getting out of the fetal position on the floor.

I have had a few of these moments in the last month, as have some of my classmates.

Learning is for young people, who don’t need sleep, or food, or apparently any other sort of life.

For old chicks like me there is an added level of difficulty. I make things harder than they actually are. I think that nothing should be easy. I also don’t give myself enough credit for actually having a brain and some common sense, which can indeed make your homework expand from a four hour gig to a twelve hour nightmare.

I need to learn how to learn. I need to be more vocal and less afraid to speak out.

Bahahahaha, I know if you know me at all you will understand the irony and humor of that comment, but it really is true.

When I was younger I would have quietly asked for help when no one else could hear me, I would stay behind and talk to the teacher, hoping no one would notice.

It was always math.

My enemy.

The reason I hated going to school, the class that relentlessly without faltering made me feel like I was not as smart as everyone else that actually understood the problem solving. No matter how hard I tried…and I really did try, for a while.

Database and PHP are both like math, there is problem solving.

Screwed comes to mind.

There have been many days in the last few weeks when I have been that little girl again, when I have cried in frustration that my mind won’t easily grasp what we are supposed to be learning. Days when I just have no faith that I am smart enough to get through this.

Thankfully those days pass, you meet new people, you learn new things. You learn that you are not the only one struggling, that you can change the direction of the path you are on by being honest, and speaking out when something isn’t making any sense.

And people want to help you. They want you to succeed as much as you want them to. People are sympathetic to your terror, your confusion and your misunderstanding.

And it really helps. It makes you want to keep fighting for it, even when you think a bottle of vodka would indeed be the solution to all your problems.

And in all seriousness, remember I am old. If I do consume more than two drinks I will be hungover to the point of useless the next day, I just don’t have that kind of leisure time.

I actually don’t have any leisure time at all, last week I didn’t even leave my house on days off. There are just not enough hours in a day.

I don’t need to manage my time anymore, I just always have homework. Period.

And that’s okay. It’s what I signed up for.

And I am trying to cut myself some slack, I am trying to learn how to learn again, both in school and about who I am, who I want to become.

I want to be the girl who gets it this time, the girl who works hard to get where I need to be. The great thing about being older, is that I know what I did wrong the first time, and I have the chance to do it again properly, with all I can throw at it.

All can do is my best, there are just going to be times when it isn’t going to be pretty, or graceful, or quiet…

And I miss this, I miss all of you…I am going to try and blog on Wednesday nights, it’s kinda like my big night out , only during the middle of the week. The only night I stay awake past 11. Bonus.

Maybe I will go crazy and take some pictures outside in my jungle of a lawn, there is probably a herd of elk living out there for all I know. I miss my camera. I miss the bush. I actually miss mowing my grass…You know, the normal stuff.

But it’s all good, it’s all life changing and it has already changed how I perceive pretty much everything. Kinda awesome. Yes.

And winter is on it’s way, what’s better than staying at home in your pajamas for four days while drinking massive amounts of coffee with the word stove blaring, drawing things and building databases and websites from scratch?

I am going to say pretty much nothing.

I just need to remember that myself, when I am pulling out my hair because I can’t figure out for the life of me why Henry and his bloody book store need one more damn table in their information.

Have a great rest of your week my friends xox

7 thoughts on “In the midst of chaos…

  1. Nicole

    Hon, as far behind as I am catching up with you, you could stop posting and get a Ph.D. by the time I caught up. ;-) Wishing you the best on your studies!

  2. Mom

    I am so proud of you. You have guts. I know you will do well once you accept the fact that you are smarter than you give yourself credit for. Love you always Mom

  3. Megan

    So proud of you for going back to school love… You are amazing, don’t ever forget it! Miss & love ya! xo

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