Anyone have a cigarette?

Anyone have a cigarette?

Anyone have a cigarette?

I mean, not really.

I quit smoking 13 years ago on September 13. I can truthfully say that in that time, I have never once looked back.

Let me super clarify, that no matter what I end up typing out tonight, I would never in a million years start smoking again. I promise.

What I have to say, is just how it is, what’s going on and what was flying around in my head this week.

On Monday,  I wanted one… more than I ever have since I quit. What the hell is that all about? I think smoking is disgusting.

The habit is worse.

And it costs a million dollars to smoke these days.

I don’t want to be disgusting, or habitual and I don’t have a million dollars, but I wanted to feel that smoke in my lungs, I wanted the relaxation that comes from getting that fix.

And it scared the hell out of me.

It taught me a lesson, one that I guess I needed.

I tried to drop out of one of my classes this week, seriously if my Niefs worker would have said I could, me and PHP would be fucking done.

But she didn’t. She told me to suck it up and finish the class…and basically to stop being a baby and get the job done.

I hate that.

When someone calls you on your shit.

But she did, and I needed it. So thank you Anita.

I start with my tutor on Monday, so hopefully that will give me a little leg up. I am trying so hard to understand it, I work on it forever, and for some reason…I feel like I am going backwards, even though I know that’s not possible. Any little thing I learn is better than nothing at all.

If I could just get past the hate…

I only quit things when they are really really stupid.

Hence me finally quitting smoking, as well as me trying to get out of PHP. So there.

But unlike with smoking, I will stick with  the class from hell. I will try as hard as I can, no… I actually AM trying as hard as I can…and come hell or high water, or really sucky midterms coming up next week, I will not have a jammer and go out of my mind about it anymore.

And if I keep telling myself that, eventually I might actually believe it. Even if I never do…the class is half way over. It ends in the beginning of December. You will see me dance, and possibly sing. Out loud.

And on Wednesday, I have an appointment. That’s right, I am doing it, I am getting my hair cut off. I am getting it short. I know exactly how I want it. And I am going to love it. I actually can’t wait. I loved my hair when it was shorter…I just hate the growing it back out. But maybe this time I won’t bother…I’ll keep it that way. It’s empowering. You can’t hide behind it.

It’s time.

cuts hair

So that’s the plan. It’s a big week for me, I am facing all my fears, in the beginning of the bloody week. And then I can breathe again. With good hair.

Because my very best hairdresser ever…is back in my life. She opened  her own shop, in the nick of time…the Universe sent her back to me. Because you always get what you need.

God knows, I am in the market for a fabulous bloody haircut.

And a freaking vacation.

and thanks…but I will pass on the smoke.

It just makes me choke.

Have a fabulous week my loves, I will post soon with updates and pics :)

6 thoughts on “Anyone have a cigarette?

  1. Beth Teliho

    I quit too about thirteen years ago! Actually, it was in 1997 – 98, how long ago is that? Too early for math. F-it. Anyhoo…new haircuts are soooo exciting! Can’t wait for the photos! And good for you for sticking out the class. Tutoring always helps. I know you can do it!

  2. ash

    Oh, gross, smoking. I still smoke socially at times, even though it’s disgusting. What’s with that? I’d love to see a picture of your new hair :)x

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