I mowed my lawn for the last time this afternoon. For the last time, ever. Not because it is October, not because it’s going to just be too wet from now on. Not because I embrace a good lawn jacket in the winter.
Because it is the last time. I won’t live here in the spring, when the beautiful dandelions spring up with amazing fortitude…I won’t be here to gather their beautiful yellow flowers and make my favorite lotion with them.
I am off to find smaller pastures.
Leaving here is terrifying. I never in a million years thought I would say those words out loud. But there you have it.
I know where I stand here. I know every single nook and cranny. I have built things, I have torn things down, I have stood in the middle of my floor crying, so many times I can’t even count.
I have had a ghost, and I have set that ghost free….
I have loved, I have tormented, been happy and sad.
It grows with me, and changes as much as I do and some days it is so much a part of me, that there is no other place in the world I can imagine being. Where is home if it isn’t here? This castle has been my sanctuary for so long, it’s hard to remember before. But there was a before and there too will be an after.
I will go somewhere that fits me a little closer. Somewhere that doesn’t make me try so hard, or cry so much. Something that I can manage, that has new beginning written all over it.
Mowing 3/4 of an acre is amazing therapy…that which I can never, ever give enough gratitude for. Meditation on a lawnmower is absolutely a thing.
But maybe, with a baby yard and a baby mower and hell maybe even a fence…I will be free!!!!! The five hours a week to keep up with the lawn here, can grow me veggies and some fabulous flowers somewhere new.
My priorities will shift, as has the rest of my life. Things are new, they are exciting. I cry as much as I laugh. I sing. I am grateful.
I have learned so much about who I am living here. I am fierce. I am resilient. I am handy. I am smart. Sometimes, not so smart. I can laugh at myself. I am proud of myself. I can do what I need to do to get the job done, but sometimes, no a lot of the time…you need friends and family that love you.
Friends that come over and stand your apple tree up because the Saturday night before you were going to pick the apples…the bear had a tree bender. Though the truth is, I did look at the tree on Friday and wonder how the hell I was going to pick the top apples. Hahahaha Universe, you are a hoot!
Or the time when you were standing in an inch of water, in socks. Crying. Your. Face. Off. When your eldest biological son grabs you by the shoulders and tells you to get your shit together…you wanted to be alone, now you have to deal with it. Yep, that’s a real thing. That really happened. My kids are smarter than me.
I have learned that having a good handyman is worth more than pretty much anything. It helps if he can calm you down when you find water on the floor and you are sure that your brand new perimeter drains aren’t working…the perimeter drains that he just put in. And promised you would work until the house fell down. It helps…well not really, when he finally leads you to the real problem…that your roof is leaking. And even though he doesn’t do roofs his own self. He knows a guy, and that guy and his kid can be there in the torrential sideways rain with 90 mile an hour winds to fix it, so your Castle doesn’t once again get washed away.
In so many ways this house has taught me not to be so proud, that I don’t always have to be strong by myself. I can ask for help, and that’s okay. I am surrounded by people that love me. Friends and family that still think I am pretty awesome even when I am not perfect, or strong all of the time. I am grateful for the lessons learned here, the tears cried and all of the laughter and joy that has been part of making this our home.
I wouldn’t for one second change any of it. It has lead me here…right to this fucking awesome moment. I am on the edge of my biggest adventure yet, and I can’t wait to get started!!