It seems to be, that the last three times I have posted, have all started with….it’s been forever since I have been here.
Well, I won’t let you down and make this time be any different. But here I sit. Plunking away at keys that haven’t felt my touch since April.
I really keep trying. I sit down and type and I go ahhhhhh. Remembering why I love to write. How it is therapy to me in times of turbulence.
But see the thing is…there is no turbulence for me right now. I have taken the last year to regroup, to face things I didn’t even know were staring me down. I have taken the year for me. To love me. To figure out who the fuck me is. To hold that little girl and feel so much love. That was hard shit for me. I still have days when I can’t believe that I just did a 180 and changed my whole life in one second.
And I did that one second thing, two or three times.
I just looked at him and realized that being that unhappy 90% of the time was so ridiculous for both of us that one of us had to do something. And the lesson that I had to learn there was unexpected. My trust in people is high, that we can treat each other with a little bit of respect and kindness, even when things are breaking apart. Sometimes when egos get hurt and the easy bus rolls out of the station, people get mean. I didn’t even see it coming. I was sure my perception of who he was was clearer. It wasn’t. It was actually more like mud. But that’s okay. It’s not my stuff and like Taylor Swift I had to just shake it off.
The problem with shaking shit off, is that sometimes you don’t deal with it. Like in your heart. Sometimes you turn all tough mad chick and you push it all down, thinking that keeping your shit together is more important than what’s happening to your heart, your hope and what you thought could be a future.
Sometimes, it takes a year and some to actually get to the point where you can grieve the loss. To take the good and forgive the crap. There was a lot of crap…so that’s taken me some time.
With leaving town…
I came home for Christmas, alone…serene and starting to feel like myself again. As the ferry, that I have been on at least 4000 times, came around the corner of Bowen Island…I was hit in the chest with the most powerful feeling of coming home, I knew that instant that I was moving back home. I didn’t know how, or when…but it was going to happen. I had barely had my store open for 6 months…my house was listed and I had no plans further ahead than the minute I was in. I had wanted to move back to Gibsons many times but the opportunity was just never there.
Within a month, I had made a plan. I was closing the store and moving back home. As soon as my house sold, everything was put in motion. Closing the store was bittersweet for me. On one hand it felt a little bit like failure. I would have done well had I stayed, and I loved it…but it felt over for me. The break from my old life into my new life had to be a severe one. Off with all of the heads…
And so here today I sit. Different on every level. Still learning things, meeting people along the way that continue to show me things I need to see. I am gentler on me. I am learning that sometimes I do need the kid gloves. I need someone to actually see me, but in order for that to happen…I have to see myself. All of me. The good the bad and the ugly.
I think I can.
And the funny thing is…the bad and the ugly, really aren’t that bad and ugly. There may be tears…sobbing, uncontrollable sobbing…and a feeling of absolute release when you understand that its the best you could do, in the situation at the time. It was the best. you. could. do. and it was indeed enough. Be gentle.
With my job…
After I moved back to the coast, I took a couple of months off working. This nearly drove my father to another heart attack. See, he is the most responsible person on the planet. He has morals, work ethics and rules. The world is black and white with no grey area.
Awesome right? Yes.
But sometimes this little girl of his cannot follow those rules. Sometimes she does things that are unexpected with no reason. I have often made the man shake his head in disdain. I will indeed continue to do that for what I hope will be many many more years.
There had been an ad in the paper for the job that I now currently have, but for some reason I just didn’t feel ready to go and apply for it. I had plans. I had a court date with Bruce, and a trip to recover planned right after. There was no understanding of me taking the trip…head shaking. I went anyway. It was awesome.
Before either took place, not only my father, but my landlord and friend….kicked my ass and told me to get in there and apply for the perfect for me job.
I went in with no nerves, no expectations and confidence that if this was the job for me I would get it.
BEST. JOB. EVER.
I work in a building supplies store. It’s a man parade all day long, and I take their money. Why in the flaming hell I didn’t have this job 20 years ago is beyond me. And single. Yes….
I have never in my life, actually been single for more than maybe a month at a time. Until now. I have been single for over a year. Zero dating until just recently. And that is in slow mo…which is good.
Sleeping alone is awesome. Occasionally in my thrashing the cat will get punted off of her corner of the bed. But otherwise that bitch is all mine. The bed I mean, not the cat…
Menopause can make you grateful for things you were worried would happen when you were younger, like having the whole fucking bed to yourself.
I do what I want, when I want. No checking in. No judgement. In bed at 8:30, gummy bears for dinner…hell yes I can.
And laugh. your. ass. off.
I know I am too loud when I laugh or get excited about something. I know my passion for life on many levels is too intense for some people to be around. I am good with that, because that means that the people who do stand beside me are worthy. Worthy of the great big love I have. The loyalty that I show to people who are my tribe. And the fucking fabulousness of this crazy life we are all just trying to figure out.
So with winter on summers heels…I will try to bring back this part of me again. The part that needs to punch keys and put words down on a screen. She still feels a little shy and different than before. Not sure that the words written are worthy of you taking the time…but yet hoping you will.