Last week was Thanksgiving. I cooked turkey at my parents house, and invited my friend Jade and her son over to help us OD on turkey. It was totally delicious and tons of fun!!
During the day as we were cooking, I mentioned to my Mom that I had been thinking about my shall remain nameless ex boyfriend that day. Which honestly, I never do anymore. I have detached, let it go and forgiven everything so that I can move on. There is no contact and all avenues for communication are pretty much blocked. It’s freaking good…
So why?? I asked myself was I having this bizarre thinking about him with every third thing I did kinda day? The conclusion I came to, is that still…after a year and three months, I still have residual shit to deal with.
A year isn’t that long.
To heal from your past…I was going to say mistakes, but the reality is that not one thing I have gone through has been a mistake. Not one. My past is just that, it’s behind me. The problem before this year, was that in all the breakups I have had, and all the new loves that came right after those breakups…there was zero time for my heart to heal. There was no me in there. It was me looking for someone else to validate me.
I am 52. My name is Donna…and I am a love addict. I fall. Fast. Hard. All in.
Or at least I used to.
The new Donna is picky. I won’t settle for less than I deserve this time. For any reason. I see the red flags. I don’t turn away from them or sweep them away like they are just a thing in my mind. THEY. ARE. RED. FLAGS. Which means I need to stop, reevaluate and walk away if I know it is a deal breaker for me.
I won’t get involved if you are drunk, newly single, just wanna f**k, or have little bitty kids. Oh and ya, you have to be nice to me. You have to love me the way I am. I am not everyone’s cup of tea and I am okay with that. Don’t try to change me. Don’t tell me to be quieter or softer or more of a lady. I will tell you to fuck the hell off. I’m a lady when I need to be. I know when to swear and when not to swear. I laugh loud…a lot. I won’t apologize for that.
I like being single.
I love living alone.
I work in a man parade.
I am not sure at this point in my life, how I would pick just one man to be with. I am with hundreds of men everyday. They give me their best. I get smiles, laughter, some flirting and then I take their money. Isn’t that like the perfect relationship? Oh yes it is.
The man parade has given my insight that I wouldn’t get anywhere else being a cashier.
It has shown me variety, and that I can be attracted to someone even when it’s not really the best idea.
After three months or so, the things that draw you to someone aren’t always the best route to go and if you take time to get to know someone slowly, you can pretty much rule them out or take it to the next level.
Attraction goes away…sometimes really quickly. Sometimes talking is bad. But that of course can be a whole different blog post, can’t it?
So my point here, is that for the first time, in like ever. I am taking my time, enjoying my life just the way it is right now. Friend time, me time, cat time…meditating like crazy, watching movies…good and bad. I have so much love, I am so happy all of the time, my heart is full. And finally after all of these years…I love me.
So thankful? Oh yes I am.
Man Parade…thank you.
For making my life pretty freaking awesome. And giving me some perspective.
Gibsons, thanks for having me back. I missed you.
And to all the awesome people I love…my heart just wants to kind of explode right now. Thanks for that.